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Last week I wrote about connecting with our kids in a playful and joyful way.  The closer our relationship with our children, the more influence we have.  This week I’m focusing on setting limits with a strong-willed child.

If you think back to a favourite teacher or a favourite coach that you had…   Do you remember how you wanted to please that teacher and do well in that class or on that team?   This is our natural instinct when we feel connected to someone.

Sometimes a hug can be enough to reconnect and create cooperation.  However, sometimes we need other strategies to side-step power struggles…

Setting Limits with A Strong-Willed Child

Setting limits with a strong-willed child can be especially challenging.

Here are some recommendations:

• Let your child know your parameters, but offer choices within those parameters

• Let your child know that sometimes rules are created by third parties for our own safety such as wearing seat belts, wearing a life jacket, the amount of hours sleep that children/teens need etc. and these are rules we all need to follow – (it’s more difficult to argue about a rule that was not actually created by you)

• Let your child know your parameters, and ask him/her to come up with a proposal within those parameters

• Show your child that you understand his/her’s perspective and feelings but there still has to be a limit put in place (such as leaving the park, or saying “no” to your child attending an unsupervised teen party).  Read my article about the acronym: S.E.T. -setting limits (here).

• Create routines such as homework before “play” so that this doesn’t have to be a daily battle.  You may also need to remove remote controls, gaming consoles or portable devices such as iPads etc. until the work portion is complete, to reduce temptation and further battles

• When damage has occurred….physical or emotional, it is important to teach your child the concept of “repair” – if your child is young you can help him/her come up with some ideas for repair and if your teen needs to make amends, you can ask him/her to come up with his/her own ideas.  For more information you may wish to read my article on The 3Rs of Parenting: Repair, Reconnect, Revive

• Try to create a win-win – sometimes you have to say “no” due to safety or time constraints etc. but if you can let your children know that you can offer an alternative or for the near future you will plan an alternative, they will feel heard and therefore be more inclined to cooperate

• Don’t “corner” your child – if your child feels forced then there is no way to feel dignity.  Instead, depending on the situation, you could say “It’s up to you but I’d love to have your company and help washing the car” and then leave the house to wash the car, and there will be a greater chance that your child will follow you out

• Stay calm and respectful – if you start to raise your voice, your child will immediately pick up on this and once the defences are up, the power struggle will be on

• Do give a rationale for your limit – parents used to be able to say “because I said so” but nowadays children know that they have a right to understand the process and the limits, and this means hearing a justifiable explanation

• Reflect and empathize – be willing to compromise and negotiate – these are life-long skills

• Children, and especially strong-willed children, like to do things for themselves and think for themselves…there may be times where it’s best to say nothing and let “Mother Nature” be the teacher.  Eg. Wearing a warm coat in cold weather

• Choose your battles – Sometimes, you might want to force an issue that can be dropped – for example forcing a specific hairstyle when your child wants to explore other alternatives

• Family Meetings – tell your child that you’re going to add this item to the family meeting agenda so that it can be given the proper time and everyone involved can be part of the discussion.  For a summary of the different stages of family meetings, read my summary here.  (Family meetings can even be conducted with preschoolers, and the sooner your child becomes familiar with this forum, the more beneficial it will be in the future.)

• Empower your child – children who are often in power struggles are trying to find their power.  If you can help them feel a sense of mastery through giving them responsibility, this will meet their need for power in a more adaptable way

To read my previous article on The Top 20 Tips for Decreasing Power Struggles, which includes a pdf  “cheat sheet”, click here.

When setting limits, the key is to remember the importance of being connected first.

Just as a key is needed to start a car engine or a charger needs to be connected to a device to recharge it, your child needs to be in connection with you to hear your words.

Enjoy the last days of summer,

Warmly,

PPS. Registration for my next round of “Brain Science” groups to teach children ages 7-9yrs. and 10-12 yrs. about anxiety and anxiety management strategies is open. The 7-9 year old group is sold out but there are still spaces in the 10-12 yrs. group. You can find out more and register online here .

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