Does Fair Mean Equal?
How do you differentiate between fair and equal?
What do your kids think fair and equal mean?
If you think fair means equal and if your kids think fair means equal, then you are probably hearing a lot of “It’s not fair!” in your house.
Let’s break it down…
Equal means the same. Fair means giving people what they need to be supported. Therefore, does fair mean equal? No.
As the authors of Siblings Without Rivalry
“Children don’t need to be treated equally, they need to be treated uniquely”
When a child has an obvious physical disability and needs to use a wheelchair, other children can realize that this child needs to take the school elevator, even though they’re not allowed. This child is being treated fairly and the others can see this.
However, when a child has an invisible disability, such as learning disability or severe anxiety, others may lose sight of what fair means, and think that these children needed to be treated exactly the same.
But this does not work…
A child with a written output disorder is going to be able to show much more of what he/she knows by typing on a computer vs. trying to laboriously write out the words.
A child who is short-sighted or far-sighted needs to wear glasses, but not everyone in the class needs glasses.
A child with slow processing or test anxiety, needs extra time to write a test but not everyone needs extra time.
Children who are all exposed to the same virus, are not all going to get sick.
When one member of the family has a birthday and receives birthday presents, the other people in the family won’t be receiving presents.
What you need and what someone else needs might be completely different. We all have very different needs.
When children understand this concept, it helps them to see fairness in a different way versus trying to analyze everything to see if it’s exactly the same.
This can really help with sibling rivalry.
Older siblings are notorious for keeping count and checking that their younger sibling is being treated in exactly the same manner. However, if they can understand this concept, that fair doesn’t mean equal, then they will be more understanding and compassionate during the times when one member of the family needs more support than another. At some point, they will be the one in need of more support too, and then they will get more attention. For example, a child with a flu virus needs much more T.L.C than another child.
If we can share these sentiments with our child, we can help them understand this important life concept.
A Manifesto for My Children
Equal means exactly the same and so this is why I don’t treat you equally.
We are all unique, one of a kind, with different needs.
Does fair mean equal? No…
Being fair means that I will always do my best to try and support you with what you need.
What you need and what your brother/sister need might be very different.
What you need and what your friends need might also be very different.
I will always try to be fair but don’t expect everything to be equal.
It is my wish to treat you uniquely not equally.
It is my wish to give you what you need.
~ Sharon Selby
I hope this will generate an interesting discussion in your house this week,
I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic…please leave a comment on my Facebook page,
Warmly,
For further information on Sibling Rivalry read these previous articles: Sibling Rivalry, Diffuse Sibling Rivalry and Create Strong Family Bonds, Handling Sibling Rivalry or Taunting/Teasing from Peers & The Most Common Parent Traps for Sibling Rivalry or Peer Conflict Resolution.
PS. If you choose to buy the book, Siblings Without Rivalry
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