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Mollie is sitting at home at her desk trying to do her homework.  You can hear grunts and groans, as she constantly erases.  Next, you hear a crumpling and the ball of paper is thrown against the wall.  This is followed by tears and her head on the desk.  You know she’s able to do the assignment, but perfectionism  – one of the ten mind tricks, has got her in its grip.

Perfectionist = Anxiety

Being a perfectionist is a different mindset from wanting to do well.  A perfectionist believes that you have to succeed 100% or it’s a 100% failure.

Although life usually falls in the middle of these two extremes, they are very distressed when they don’t think their product is 100% satisfactory.

This mindset leads us to think that the perfectionist’s biggest fear is a fear of failure.  However, research tells us something different.

According to Brené Brown, a perfectionist is most worried about judgment.  They have a big fear of being judged negatively by others and that is why they place such pressure on themselves to get things “perfect”.

Brené Brown – The Real Fear for A Perfectionist

In an interview with Oprah, Brené Brown stated this:

“What emerged for me in the data is that perfectionism is not about striving for excellence or healthy striving,” Dr. Brown tells Oprah. “It’s… a way of thinking and feeling that says this: ‘If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame and judgment.’”

“This was my other aha!” Oprah says, “Perfectionism is the ultimate fear… People who are walking around as perfectionists… They are ultimately afraid that the world is going to see them for who they really are and they won’t measure up.”

“There’s no question” Dr. Brown agrees. “I call perfectionism ‘the 20-ton shield.’ We carry it around thinking it’s going to protect us from being hurt. But it protects us from being seen.”

11 Ways to Help A Perfectionist Child

We need to help our children realize that there will always be judgment.  It’s impossible to escape it.

We need to be happy with ourselves, who we are and how we perform vs. being too concerned with what we think others think of us.

We all have strengths and struggles.  There is no such thing as someone who can do everything perfectly.

We are all “Imperfectly Perfect”.  We are “good enough”.  There’s so many people living with an empty feeling inside that they’re not good enough.  This is particularly true for perfectionists.  We need to discuss the concept of feeling “good enough” with our children, and ask them how they’re feeling about themselves.

As parents and educators, we need to use encouragement vs. praise.  Praise involves judgement whereas encouragement provides support.

We need to help our kids move from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. (Carol Dweck)

We need to help our children accept that mistakes are okay.  (In my groups to teach children about anxiety and how to manage it, I sometimes take away all erasers and ask them to draw a picture connected to a concept that we’ve just discussed.  This causes stress but in a light-hearted way as they know I’m doing it to show them that “the end of the world” will not happen if they don’t have an eraser.)

When we make mistakes, it’s important to share these experiences with our children, and help them see how mistakes are an opportunity to grow our brain.  (This is one of the Wiley Wise Owl Tools in my children’s book.)

It’s important to role-model that we can laugh at ourselves and be light-hearted.

We will never be able to have everyone like us, as we’re just not a good fit for everyone and that’s okay.  We need to try and find the people with whom we do connect.

It’s most important that we like ourselves first and then it’s more manageable to handle the judgments of others.

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best.

Perfectionism is not about healthy  achievement and growth; it’s a shield.”

~ Brené Brown

 

Enjoy being happily imperfect 🙂

Warmly,

 

PS.  If you found this article valuable, please forward to a friend or family member who may benefit.  If you would like to receive my free ebook: 8 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Your Child Is Anxious, click here.

You may wish to order my children’s book: Surfing the Worry Imp’s Wave ~ Empowering Children to Understand and Overcome Anxiety,