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Wow, I have just read the thought-provoking book, Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne and Lisa Ross. This is a very different parenting book than all the others out there. This one really highlights the “too much” phenomenon that is impacting our children in today’s generation. The authors’ thesis is that we are…

“Building our families on the four pillars of “too much”:
too much stuff, too many choices, too much information and too fast.”
(Simplicity Parenting, p. xi)

Their research shows that this “too much” way of life is increasing anxiety in all of us, and especially our kids. By teaching parents, the following four-step formula for simplifying and calming our lives, their research shows that we can decrease anxiety, ADHD and other mental health disorders in children.

What Is The Four Step Formula for Calming Our Children’s Lives (and our own!)?

Ross and Payne’s analogy of a “soul fever” is very powerful. They compare how we handle our children’s fevers when they’re sick to a “soul fever”. When our children are sick, we give permission for them to withdraw – they don’t attend school, they don’t attend their extra-curricular activities, they get more sleep and they have quiet, downtime.

The authors believe that many of our children today are experiencing soul fevers. Children are constantly bombarded by stimulation. From having too many toys, screens, scheduled activities, pressure, access to world news, etc. they are overwhelmed.

When we can notice that their equilibrium is off balance, we can treat it like a fever, but this time it’s an “emotional fever” – we can choose to suspend their normal routines. We can create time and space for them to have downtime and use their creativity. We can spend extra time with them and draw them close.

Step One In Calming Our Children’s Lives

The Environment – What does your child’s bedroom look like? Is it cluttered? Are there posters all over the walls? Are there toys covering every inch of the floor or a bookcase crowded with tons of books? Is their closet or chest of drawers overflowing with clothes and shoes? What does the family common area look like? Is it also full of “stuff”?

In Simplicity Parenting, they recommend starting with the child’s bedroom.

The bottom line: “Too much stuff leads to too many choices” (p. 59)

“To a child, a mountain of toys is more than something to trip over. It’s a topographical map of their emerging worldview. The mountain, casting a large symbolic shadow, means “I can choose this toy or that, or this one way down here, or that: They are all mine! But there are so many than none of them have value. I must want something else!”…Children given so very many choices learn to undervalue them all, and hold out – always- for whatever elusive thing isn’t offered. “More!” (p. 59)

 

In essence, too many choices/too much stuff, creates emotional disconnect and overwhelm.
Whereas, a smaller amount of toys creates the opportunity for more engagement and deeper play.

The author’s recommend reducing our children’s toys and clothes by half and then by half again, and yes even books! I am a book lover and yes we do have a lot of books in our home. However, as I read this chapter, I realized that only a very small percentage of the books on my children’s bookshelves are actually being read or re-read. It would be better to choose a few favourites to keep in their bedrooms, choose another portion to save (in storage bins) and give the rest of them away.

Step Two In Calming Our Children’s Lives

2) Rhythm – Are your days unpredictable? Do you have weekly rituals? How many family meals sitting around your family dinner table do you have per week? Are you a short-order chef, cooking individual meals for all members of the family? Is bedtime regular on weekdays and weekends? Is there a bedtime routine which involves parent-child connection?

Does a Sunday roast sound familiar, perhaps from when you were growing up? Sundays used to be a day of rest. Whether one attended church or not, Sundays were a quiet day. Stores weren’t open, sports activities weren’t scheduled, and families could rely on this one day of the week to spend quality time together. Nowadays, Sundays have become just another day of the week, full of activities and rushing around.

In Simplicity Parenting, they recommend, creating your own predictable family rituals for Sundays. The more our children experience a regular rhythm in their routine, the more grounded they will feel. If they know that certain nights of the week, are family dinner nights (with healthy unprocessed comfort food) that homework happens at a certain time and bedtime routines are predictable, your child will feel less stressed and therefore less anxious. The more rhythm and routine we can implement, the more secure and stable our children will feel.

Building in “pressure valves” is also helpful and will lead to a child being able to fall asleep at bedtime more easily. Sitting down with your child for an after-school snack is an example of a pressure-valve – a time to connect, decompress, and share what happened during their day. Lighting a candle at dinnertime, creates a “pressure-valve” – just the image of a lit candle is calming and signifies that this is a time for us all to connect. Bedtime connection time (stories for the younger ones, or flipping through magazines with the older ones) creates a “pressure-valve”. (See my previous article on Bedtime – From Witching Hour to Golden Hour.)

“Rhythms establish a foundation of cooperation and connection” (p. 102)

Next week I’ll continue with step three and step four of this simplicity parenting formula, but for now, the take-action tips for this week are:

1. Decluttering our children’s bedrooms
2. Intentionally creating more rhythm and routine in our week
3. Creating rituals that serve as “pressure valves”

I would love to hear you thoughts and actions that you take towards implementing these first two steps of simplifying parenting on my Facebook page or Twitter,

To read about Steps Three and Four in Simplifying Parenting please click here.

Warmly,

I’d like to receive parenting tips and the free eBook: 7 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Your Child Is Anxious

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