The Role of The Protector and The Role of the Pusher
In most partnerships, you will notice that one person takes on more of the protector role and the other person takes on more of the pushing role.
By protecting, I mean…
- Being very attuned to the child’s feelings and thoughts
- Making allowances, in order that the child is not under duress
- Being the comforter and the one who truly understands the child’s experience
By pushing, I mean…
- Being more firm and intentional about getting your child to develop independence
- Being the one to believe in the child’s capabilities
- Being very aware of not enabling the child
- Being the one to push the child to do things that he/she doesn’t want to do or doesn’t believe he/she can do
Does this sound familiar? Can you identify yourself as being more the protector or the pusher? How about your parenting partner?
The Key Point is… Both parents, have valid perspectives and both parents want the very best for their child.
Sometimes, parents become polarized and overcompensate. They may feel frustrated that their partner is being too soft (protective), so they need to be more firm (push) and vice-versa – the other parent feels her/his partner is too harsh, and so she/he needs to be more protective.
Can you see how this can become a negative pattern? If parents aren’t on the same page, and perhaps blame each other’s parenting style for their child’s difficulties, then it will very difficult for all of you, as a family, to move forward.
Your child(ren) will realize that they can divide the parents and conquer! Unfortunately, this is unhealthy power and the parents need to find a way to reach the “middle ground” where they can be on the same page.
How to Find the Middle Ground between Protector and Pusher?
As we can see, both parents have their important strengths. What is needed is a combined approach.
In order for children to feel emotionally secure and confident, they need both their parents to be supportive vs. enabling or pushing too hard.
Supportive Parenting = Validating Emotions and Connecting with One’s Child + Believing in Child’s Capabilities and Creating Opportunities to Demonstrate Capability
All children need to have their emotions heard and validated and all children need to feel a sense of capability, by being given a chance to try new things, take a safe risk or persevere at a task until they have success.
It’s very important that parents communicate with one another, if they feel frustrated that they always have to take on one of these above roles.
It can be frustrating to always be the emotional comforter and can feel suffocating if your child is never willing to allow you out of their sight.
It can also be tough to always be the one pushing your child to develop his/her capabilities, thus putting strain on the parent-child relationship and creating emotional distance.
Both parents need to take responsibility and commit to each other to work on a blended approach. If one parent is seen as the comforter/protector, this parent needs to commit to taking a turn at pushing your child to try something a little out of his/her comfort zone. Likewise, the parent who usually does the “pushing”, needs to make a conscious intention to be attuned and emotionally supportive/validating when your child is feeling distressed.
If you are a single parent, you will need to focus on being more of the style of parent that is not your natural inclination. It doesn’t require two parents. One parent can be both emotionally supportive by being kind, patient, empathetic and a believer in his/her child’s capabilities.
Often, through children’s natural developmental process they progress from dependence to independence within their own timing. However, for more anxious children, they have often lost their sense of capability.
What To Do and What Not To Do?
A concrete way to start, is for both parents to choose a goal that they think would be important for their child to master.
For example, being able to attend an extra-curricular activity, without a parent staying to watch (of course this does depend on the age of your child).
Step One: Let your child know that you love to watch your child take part in soccer, gymnastics, art class etc. (this is the validation piece), and you believe that he/she is very capable of participating, without a parent being there 100% of the time (this is the capability piece). Therefore, you’re going to stay for the first part, go and get a coffee/tea for 10-15 minutes in the middle, and return to watch the last portion.
Step Two: Once your child is comfortable with this format, then you would be able to systematically (slowly over time) increase the amount of time that you’re not watching.
Step Three: Be able to drop-off and pick-up, without staying and without your child feeling stressed.
What not to do…
Sometimes the “pushing parent” will reach the end of his/her rope, and believe that his/her child is being too coddled and that a “cold turkey” approach is the only option.
Sometimes the “protective parent” will also reach the end of his/her rope, being exhausted from having to stay with his/her child everywhere they go, and also believe that a “cold turkey” approach is the only option.
In a “cold turkey” scenario, the parent would drop the child off at the soccer field, and without advanced notice to the child, slip away until it’s time for pick-up. For most children, this would raise their anxiety and alarm bells and set them back a lot. The next time, it’s soccer practice, the child may then lock him/herself in the bathroom and refuse to go. This approach would also create a lot mistrust between the parent and child.
Although, the first, systemized approach, will take longer, it will be more successful, and will maintain the close-parent child relationship, while developing the child’s capabilities at the same time.
Take Action Tip: Discuss this article with your parenting partner and see if you can identify where on the continuum each of you falls. If you are at opposite ends, discuss ways that you can focus on a combined, supportive approach.
Warmly,
PS. If you liked this article, please spread the word with friends and family
PPS. Does your child get the worries and/or anxiety? My children’s book, Surfing the Worry Imp’s Wave, teaches you and your child everything you need to know about the mischievous Worry Imp and the ten tools to overcome it. Available here.
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