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If you’re familiar with the Zones of Regulation® then you will know that frustration falls in the “yellow zone”, which is right before the “red zone” where anger takes over!

Knowing how to build frustration tolerance in ourselves and in our kids is an important life skill. The good news is that it can improve and staying out of the Red Zone feels better for everyone.

How to Build Frustration Tolerance?

I think driving a car is one of the best ways to build frustration tolerance. Next time, you feel agitated by another driver, catch yourself and see if you can take deep breaths and let the feelings of frustration go.

It can become a default to get mad at other drivers, but what does it accomplish? It won’t change the other driver and you are left feeling stressed, plus your kids witness this tense interaction and feel the negative energy.

Instead of judgement, try to feel compassion.

Perhaps the other driver is experiencing their own personal distress and therefore rushing or distracted.  Perhaps they’re in an emergency?

Replace “should” thoughts with “I wish” thoughts.  Eg.  “This driver should know better” → “I wish this driver didn’t just cut me off”

Replace “I can’t stand…” thoughts with “I can manage…”

If you choose one activity that is already part of your life, such as driving or standing in line-ups at grocery stores, as a place to intentionally practice being grounded and not letting other people’s actions impact you so much, it will transfer to other areas of life, such as family, too.

Our Thoughts Create Our Feelings

We often think it is the situation or the other person which creates our feelings, but it’s actually our thoughts about the situation or the interaction that creates our feelings.

We are 100% responsible for our own feelings.

If we’re triggered, we need to focus on ourselves and our own self-regulation versus blaming the people or circumstances around us.

Our kids and teens learn from watching us.  If we get mad at them for losing control, then we’ve both flipped our lid!

Raising kids is an inside job – we have to work on ourselves and having children requires us to do this!

When you’re upset, mad, frustrated etc. try to figure out what deeper feeling you might be experiencing.  For example, hurt, guilt, anxiety, fear, shame etc.

Let others know that you’re triggered, you’re going to take a break and you’ll be back when you’ve calmed down.  It’s really important to say you’ll be back, or your child will feel rejected.  If your children are young, you may not be able to walk away, but you can still practice self-regulation by drinking some water, taking deep breaths, shaking out your hands etc.

With young children, it can also help to switch into reading them a story.  As you sit with them and read, it gives you time to calm yourself, as you’re reading the words to the story.

Neuroplasticity and Mindfulness

We now know that, as adults, we can still rewire our brain, even though it does take longer!

Every time you train yourself to respond just a little differently, you’re changing the wiring your brain.

Every time you’re driving in the car, and you very intentionally practice mindfulness – being in the present, observing WITHOUT judgement, you are rewiring your brain!

Practice day by day and if you get frustrated or get triggered, that’s okay, reset and try again.  It’s important to reset this goal for yourself every morning.  For example, “For today, I will practice patience and compassion, with every driving interaction.”

If you can get to a point where you can drive without being frustrated or impatient, you will find that at home you can be more patient and less frustrated as well!

Now that you know how to build frustration tolerance in yourself, you can build it in your kids too – it’s a win-win!

I teach these skills to children in my Brain Science groups (Anxiety Management groups for children ages 7-9yrs. and 10-12yrs.).  Registration has just opened for my September-October Brain Science groups (in-person and Zoom options both available).  For more information and to register, please click here.

Have a wonderful week practicing mindfulness and frustration tolerance,

Warmly,

PS.  My Brain Science groups to teach kids ages 7-9 and 10-12yrs. about anxiety and anxiety management tools are staring again Sept. 15th.  Zoom and in-person options available.  Please click here for more information.