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How to Recognize and Help A Perfectionist Child

In our society we value high achievements. As parents, if our child is exceeding in many areas we often feel pride. I’ve even read some blogs that actually encourage parents to validate their child’s perfectionism. The concern I have is that perfectionism is a form of anxiety and if it grows to clinical levels it can become a full-fledged mental health disorder.  It is important to be very aware of a perfectionist child.

What Are the Signs of A Perfectionist Child?

• Making mistakes creates anger, upset or anxiety
• Fear of being embarrassed or humiliated
• Lots of erasing and/or rewriting
• Refusal to take risks and try new things
• Meltdowns when things don’t go perfectly
• Too cautious and careful – Example: taking five times longer than usual to complete homework
• Loses patience easily and gives up
• Takes a long time to start an assignment or complete a task
• Scrunching up work or ripping work

How to Help A Perfectionist Child

Explain to your child that we all get a negative voice in our head and a positive voice.

We may wish to name our negative voice, such as Gremlin, Theodore, or Pesty. By naming the negative voice, it helps us to externalize it and realize that it does not have to be part of our identity.

We can explain to our child that the negative voice gives us thoughts such as:

• “If you don’t do this perfectly, it will be a failure”
• “You suck if you can’t do this perfectly”
• “You shouldn’t make any mistakes and if you do you’re a real disappointment”

It is also very important to teach our children that our thoughts are just thoughts and are not necessarily real.

We can also change our thoughts.

And…we can change our negative thoughts to positive thoughts.
For example:

• “It’s okay to make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes”
• “No one is perfect”
• “Our brain grows when we make mistakes”
• “I’m doing my best”
• “Oh well, that’s how life goes sometimes”

It’s also very important, that as parents, we say these positive comments out loud and model that it’s okay to be imperfect.

We also need to show that we are not 100% perfect in our daily lives.

If our children see us so focussed on being hyper-orderly (colour coding our clothes in our closets, hyper-organizing our calendars, keeping our houses immaculate etc.) they will be under the false impression that we never make a mistake, and yet we know, that we all do make mistakes!

Change The Lens of Your Perfectionist Child

A perfectionist child tends to over-exaggerate the consequences of a mistake. He/she believes that they will be severely reprimanded if they make a mistake.

To help your child have more rational thinking patterns, ask your child what part of each of the following sentences is irrational or nonsense?

“If I don’t get an “A” on this test it will be the end of the world”
“If I forget my lines in the school play, the whole audience will laugh at me and “boo” me off the stage”
“If I make a guess and get the answer wrong the teacher will think I’m stupid”
“If I don’t get perfect on our next test, then it will prove that I’m dumb”
“I should get straight A’s on my report card and if I don’t I won’t be able to stand it”

A perfectionist child sees everything as either a success or a failure, with no middle ground in between. The reality is that life usually falls in the middle area. Our perfectionist child needs to realize this is where the most learning occurs.

The Risks of Being A Perfectionist Child

• Not wanting to be challenged for fear of failure
• Eating disorders as he/she wants to have the “perfect” body
• Depression due to feeling hopeless because one can’t always be perfect
• Low self-esteem because one looks to external sources for validation and praise to feel positive self-worth
• Chronic procrastination because there is so much fear of starting and not being perfect
• Not realizing his/her potential because fear of making a mistake is holding him/her back

What Can We Do As Parents for a Perfectionist Child?

We can…

• Use encouragement vs. praise (see my previous article on encouragement vs. praise and a free pdf of encouragement phrases)
• Laugh at our own mistakes
• Temper our own reactions when our child doesn’t perform as high as we had hoped
• Reduce our high expectations

*If we are living through our children’s accomplishments, be aware of the role of the Ego and acknowledge that this is our child’s life, not ours!

• Teach our child that they don’t have to give 100% to every task they take on
• Scale back our children’s extra-curricular activities
• Encourage our child to volunteer with others to broaden one’s perspective
• Help our child create a study outline or a schedule of the week for homework
• Remind our children that we are happy for them to try their best but this does not mean that we expect them to be perfect
• Act neutral when our children make mistakes
• Stand back and let our children learn from their mistakes vs. jump in and fix everything for them
• Let our children hand in their work without us editing and double-checking everything for them
• Trust our children vs. hover and do everything for them so they don’t have a chance to mess up
• Talk to them about famous people such as Thomas Edison who had thousands of tries before he invented the light bulb and Michael Jordan who didn’t make his high school basketball team but went on to become one of the most famous professional basketball players of all time

It is natural to want our children to do well and reach their potential. Although, to put so much pressure on them that they believe they have to be perfect to live up to our standards is not mentally healthy.

We need to set realistic standards and we need to be open about our own failures and mistakes. This is what makes us human. Being able to recognize our mistakes and keep on going is a component of grit.

The old adage, “If at first you don’t succeed try try again” is sage advice. When we teach this message to our children, we teach them to expect to make mistakes but to keep on trying.

In counselling, we actually ask children to make mistakes on purpose so they can be more comfortable with this experience. We may ask them to not use an eraser and practice crossing-out a misspelled word. We may ask them to make a mistake on a test on purpose to prove that getting one wrong is not the end of the world. We may ask them to wear mis-matching socks to realize that it’s just a pair of socks!

Let’s help our children embrace their mistakes. Let’s help them realize that even as adults we still make mistakes and we are okay with this. Let’s laugh and be more light-hearted when our favourite sweater gets shrunk in the dryer and is five times too small!

Have a wonderfully imperfect week!
Warmly,

 PS.  If you found this article valuable, please forward to a friend or family member who may benefit.  If you would like to receive my free ebook: 8 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Your Child Is Anxious, click here.