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Perfectionism sounds as though it might be a good thing…

Doesn’t being perfect mean making no mistakes and being exceptional?

Why would this be a bad thing?

Perfectionism is a form of anxiety and not a goal that we should be striving for in ourselves or in our kids.

Yes we want to try our best, but we need to be okay with mistakes and recognize that life is not a complete success or a total failure (as perfectionists would believe), there is a grey area in between and mistakes are part of growing and learning.

Signs of Perfectionism

If you notice, on a regular basis, your child/teen:

• Over-erasing/rewriting/redoing work
• Refusing to risk making mistakes
• Using self-talk, that they are stupid whenever they make a mistake or can’t figure something out
• Quitting/Extremely frustrated
• Procrastinating
• Catastrophizing when the expected outcome doesn’t happen
• Spending much more time on a task than it requires

Top Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism

1)  Model that mistakes are okay – laugh at yourself, say “I messed up and that’s okay”

2) Discuss mistakes as being opportunities for learning and creativity (read the wonderful book, Beautiful Oops!)

3) Use famous people as examples of making mistakes before they succeeded, such as Thomas Edison (he failed a thousand times before inventing the light bulb) or Michael Jordan (he didn’t make his high school basketball team when he first tried out)

4) Talk about your own stories of imperfection from childhood and your daily life

5) Teach your child that no one is perfect – of all the people on the earth, not one single one is perfect

6) When your child is upset about how something has turned out, remember “Feelings First, Logics Last” (just validate their feelings, don’t try and get into problem-solving mode when your child is really upset)

7) Show and use words that demonstrate unconditional love for your child

• “I love you just the way you are”
• “I love you no matter what”
• “We all have strengths and weaknesses and we are all gifts to the world.  You are a gift”
• “You’re more than enough”  (versus the child thinking that they or their work is never “good enough”)

8) Use Encouragement vs. Praise (see my previous post on this very important difference)

9) Model perseverance – “Ugh, I didn’t get it the first time, but if I keep on practicing, I know I’ll get there in the end”

10) Teach coping skills such as taking a break and trying again later or breaking the task down into smaller “chunks”

11) Teach about the negative voice that comes into our head and how we don’t have to believe it or listen to it.  We can tell ourselves positive messages, such as “I’m trying my best and that’s good enough”  or “Nobody’s perfect!”  “Mistakes help me learn”

12)  Be comfortable saying “I don’t know” and let your child know that it’s okay not to know everything

Unconditional Love vs. Perfectionism

As parents, unconditional love needs to be our goal, not high performance.

The reason we feel so loved by our pets, is that they are the epitome of unconditional love.

They don’t criticize themselves and they don’t criticize us.

They don’t judge.  They love you just the way you are!

If your child is showing signs of perfectionism, you may wish to consider professional counselling help with a licensed mental health counsellor (RCC) or psychologist or have them participate in my Brain Science groups which teach kids about anxiety (including perfectionism) and anxiety management strategies.

You may also wonder if this is how your child believes they can earn more of your love?

Is there a strong emphasis on high performance in your family?

Is your child overcompensating for a hidden difficulty they may be experiencing?

Is this your child’s way of competing with another family member?

Is your child trying to control their environment with perfectionism because their anxiety on the inside feels so out of control?

To conclude, I’d like to share a couple of quotes from the well-known, Brené Brown, sociologist and author of The Gifts of Imperfection.

Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.

Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.

What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.

Warmly,

 

 

 

PS. Registration is now open for my next round of Brain Science groups to teach children ages 7-9yrs. and 10-12yrs. about anxiety and anxiety management strategies. To learn more about these in-person and online groups, click here.