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Last week I wrote an article that seemed to resonate with a lot of parents who are noticing that their children are on the verge of burn out.  I discussed the strategies suggested in the excellent book, Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne & Lisa Ross. You can read part one of this two part series here: 4 Calming Tips for “Spring Cleaning” Our Children’s Lives and Reducing Anxiety. 

My colleagues and I have been noticing that this is the time of the year when our children show signs of “burn out”.   Kids have been working hard in school and in all their after-schools activities and for many, it’s catching up with them as the final pressure to finish the term successfully is on!

This week I’m going to continue with the final two actionable steps in helping your child (and you) experience more calm, reduce burn out and create more simplicity in your life.

Step Three In Calming Our Children’s Lives & Reducing Burn Out

3) Schedules – As parents, we have good intentions for our kids. We want them to experience many opportunities. We don’t want them playing on the worst team because we didn’t start them learning a specific sport at an early enough age. Whether we like it or not, we are caught in a vicious cycle of competitiveness. How many kids do you know who are competing or performing at really high levels of sports, martial arts, fine arts?

The authors of Simplicity Parenting have another great analogy for the over-scheduled phenomenon….

FERTILIZER and CROPS

In the 1950’s, farmers discovered that fertilizers that could enrich their fields leading to greater productivity in shorter amounts of time.

In this case, we “fertilize” our children through “enrichment” opportunities – extra sports practices, multiple private lessons, every minute of free-time is scheduled etc.

However, farmers have discovered that they also have to engage in crop rotation to be sustainable. If they over-fertilize, the fields will be depleted…(experiencing burn out)

Famers need to allow for fallow fields and for kids this means leisure and rest time needs to be built-in to their schedules.

“Activity without downtime is ultimately – like a plant without roots – unsustainable”

~ Kim John Payne & Lisa Ross

Some children are more vocal or behaviourally expressive about their need for downtime. If you have a sensitive child, you will know when you have overdone it or rather, overdone them. For some kids, big family gatherings, late night social get togethers or just too much interacting with others sets a child off their equilibrium and the release will be seen through “meltdowns” or explosive episodes. Therefore, we need to be aware of scheduling for success.

How can we intentionally build as much calm-time around (meaning before and after) the stimulating event?

In Simplicity Parenting, the authors point out that we seem to have lost touch with concept of ordinary. Free play, unstructured time, playing in nature – we’re too busy for these ordinary moments. Everything and every day needs to be exceptional!

“A child’s love of an activity is not enough to protect him or her from the effects of pursuing it too much, and too soon.” (p.160, Simplicity Parenting)

“According to Dr. James Andrews, a nationally prominent sports orthopedist, “You get a kid on the operating table and you say to yourself, ‘It’s impossible for a 13 year old to have that kind of wear and tear”. (p.154, Simplicity Parenting)

It is a lifelong gift to be able to teach and show our children who to build in downtime and have more balance in our lives.

Step Four in Calming Our Children’s Lives

4) Filtering out the adult world – “ ‘Media saturation’ characterizes our era, but it need not flood our kids’ childhoods” (p. 173, Simplicity Parenting)

We live in a world where news is coming to us on our phones, on our computers, via TV, radio and newspaper/magazine headlines. It’s everywhere! In Simplicity Parenting, the authors recommend that as parents we need to limit our own media exposure, as our children feed off our emotional state. If we are consistently humming in an anxious vibrational state, our children will pick up on this.

If we surround ourselves, by fear-based parents who are negative, and pointing out all the deficits in our child’s education, community activities etc. etc. it impacts us negatively.

If we surround ourselves by “helicopter” parents who are overly involved in their children’s lives, it impacts us negatively.

The authors define the following categories of over-involved parents:

• The sportscasting parent – the parent who is always talking and describing to their children every move they’re making
• The corporate parent who is focussed on the output, the product, the advantages their kids have over other kids
• The buddy parent who engages their children in adult conversation, has difficulty saying “no” and maintaining boundaries
• The clown parent, who feels the need to be the constant entertainer

All of these parents love their children and have the best of intentions, but at what cost?

Are these children given the opportunities to make decisions for themselves, handle conflicts, friendship problems, and carry out tasks which develop their sense of capability?

To simplify, we need to be less involved and listen more.

“The more you say, the less you are listening” (p. 186, Simplicity Parenting)

“One way to ‘talk less’ is not to include children in adult concerns and topics of conversation” (p.189, Simplicity Parenting)

We also need to be careful about our perceptions around “sharing”. Nowadays, we may think it’s best to be open and honest and not shelter our children from distressing news in the world, but the authors describe this kind of sharing as a “misnomer”. Children are on a developmental path and we need to filter what they hear according to their developmental stage of life.

This means that we need to filter our televisions. They should not be in children’s bedrooms and the news should not be on in the background of daily living. Children should not be exposed to thousands of TV commercials and violent TV shows (news) or violent video games. There should be rules around screen time and young children (under age 2) should not be exposed to screens, including TV, and we should not be using screens as a babysitter.

We are parenting in frenetic times. I see these four tips from Simplicity Parenting, as another aspect of healthy Alpha Parenting. By taking charge and…

• Limiting the amount of“stuff” in our homes
• Saying “no” to being involved in everything every moment of the day
• Saying “no” to competition ruling our lives
• Carving out family time, unstructured time and down-time
• Creating rhythm and predictability
• Filtering out the adult world/media that is infiltrating our homes

…we are reclaiming our right to be in charge versus being ruled by society’s new norms.

I wish you all the best in simplifying, reducing burn out and creating more calm in your children’s lives,

Warmly,

I’d like to receive parenting tips and the free eBook: 7 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Your Child Is Anxious

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