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Shame versus Guilt

Do you know the difference between shame and guilt? Does your child or teen? It’s really important to distinguish the difference.

Shame is toxic and eats away at us.  It’s the belief that I am a bad person.

Guilt is healthier. It’s the belief that my actions were wrong, I can learn from my mistakes and feel motivated to do better.

What Is Narcissism and DARVO?

Narcissism is rooted in shame, perception of low self-worth, and often childhood trauma.

Of course, not all kids with shame and low self-esteem become adult narcissists, but they might and they may be more susceptible to the manipulation tactics of a narcissist. (This is why we need to teach ourselves, our kids, and our teens, about DARVO – explained below.)

Many people think of narcissism as arrogance and a big Ego, but it does not always present this way. At the core, the narcissist is doing whatever it takes to protect themselves from their insecurity and vulnerability, by acting kind, charismatic and performative to generate praise and validation for themselves.  This temporarily puffs them up to offset their perceived low value of themselves. 

According to clinical psychologist and one of the leading experts on narcissism, Dr. Ramani (Durvasula) one in six adults are narcissistic, which is a very high number. This is why we need to become more informed. (She has an excellent interview with Steven Bartlett of the excellent podcast, Diary of a CEO, here.)

Empaths and Narcissists

Sensitive Empaths are more likely to be drawn to a narcissist because they have a lot of compassion and believe in the good of others. They may also be so gullible, forgiving and kind due to their own childhood wounds, where love was unpredictable and came in the form of “breadcrumbs”.  

Narcissists can also be very alluring, people-pleasing, charming and intelligent so they can fool an empath for a quite a while, until something happens where the empath needs to bring up something concerning, which causes the narcissist to feel threatened and then they turn aggressive…

What Is DARVO?

The narcissist then uses DARVO (a term coined in 1977 by psychologist, Dr. Jennifer Freyd connected to her research on “betrayal trauma theory”.)

D = Deny (Defensive)

A = Attack (Blame)

(R) Reverse (V)Victim and (O)Offender (Deflect/Gaslighting)

For example, one of my kind and sensitive teen clients told me a story about a “friend” who kept borrowing money from her and not paying her back. My client was keeping a tally of how much money she was owed. When she eventually brought it up, her “friend” said:

(D – Deny) “I don’t owe you any money.”

(A – Attack) “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? What’s your problem? Chill out.”

(R-V-O Reverse Victim Offender) “You’re so sensitive and now you’re stressing me out with this accusation.” (Suddenly my client has become the Offender and the “friend” who owed her money is now the “Victim” = Gaslighting).

As you can imagine, this is really mind-messing and anxiety producing. Dr. Ramani says that in the teen years it’s too early to tell if someone is a narcissist but we can still be aware of DARVO and setting boundaries with it. 

Unfortunately, narcissists continue to lie and not own up to the truth because their own self-preservation comes first. (For people leaving a narcissistic relationship, Dr. Ramani describes it as “death by a thousand cuts”.) 

Understanding DARVO is extremely important, as then you can understand what mind-manipulation tactics are being used against you. You can’t argue with the narcissist but you can walk away and set boundaries.

Whatever you say will be twisted against you, so the only option is to set boundaries and cut them off. This is known as cutting off their “supply”. They won’t miss you and will move on to finding their “supply” elsewhere – they will find other people to praise them and validate them through their career, friends, family, infidelity/affairs, social media etc. 

A child of a narcissist will also be expected to adore their parent but can get hurt and confused when the narcissistic parent verbally lashes out at them and makes themselves the victim and the child or teen – the offender.  Eg. “You’re an embarrassment to me.” 

For the narcissist, society’s rules don’t apply to them, thus they are known as being entitled.   

The Golden Rule: Treat others as you want to be treated, does not apply to them. Apologize and take accountability for your lies and/or problematic behaviour, does not apply to them. Be law abiding, does not apply to them.

Narcissism is on a continuum. From a mildly narcissistic personality to full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There are several types of narcissism and hybrids of these types: Grandiose, Vulnerable (more covert and also the victim-type), Communal, Self-Righteous, Neglectful and Malignant (the most toxic).

The Different Types of Narcissism (and one can be a combination/hybrid) 

Grandiose: The classic understanding of narcissism – charming, charismatic, attention-seeking, successful, celebrity. But underneath, they feel deeply inadequate and insecure.

Vulnerable (Covert Narcissism):  Take on a victim role, have persistent negative thoughts and deep down feel irritable, anxious, sad/depressed angry etc. They think life is unfair to them.  They appear nice on the outside but present differently behind closed doors. They may mock or criticize those close to them.

Communal:  Their narcissistic supply comes from doing humanitarian deeds and letting the world know what they are doing.  They rely on praise and recognition and get upset if they’re not validated.  They often treat people close to them disrespectfully even though they present on the outside as a humanitarian.  They may be a leader in the community or a cult leader. 

Self-Righteous:  They believe they know right and are therefore superior to others.  They may be obsessively self-disciplined about their habits, nutrition, routines etc. to show that they live life “right”. 

Neglectful: They are completely detached and have zero empathy. The look for validation in work spaces but not in close relationships.  They ignore you unless they need you.  You feel ghosted by them.

Malignant: They use domination and meanness to compensate for their deep insecurity and sense of inadequacy.  When they feel threatened or frustrated, they go into rage.  Willing to use and exploit people. They are aggressive and they bully.  They do not care about your needs and safety and will manipulate just about anyone.  Highly suspicious and believe others are “out to get them”.

(Definitions paraphrased from Dr. Ramani’s book, It’s Not You.)

Narcissists and Variable Empathy

Narcissists are also known for not having empathy, but again this isn’t always obvious at first.  They can be good at performative empathy, known as cognitive empathy, but when it actually comes to genuine, heartfelt empathy and feeling how another person is feeling, they lack this ability because their feelings come first.  This is why they are able to continue lying.  

Sadly, the research states that narcissism isn’t curable. For someone who is highly dedicated, they may be able to implement small changes but by adulthood, it’s become part of one’s personality. Self-preservation, at all costs, is their driving force, which means more lies, blame and gaslighting of the other person.  

The Importance of Boundaries

This is why it’s so important to teach our kids and teens how to set boundaries.  Sensitive kids and teens often struggle with this the most. They don’t want to “hurt someone’s feelings” but they need to know they are not responsible for the other disrespectful person’s feelings and that they do need to protect their own heart.  

Sometimes our teens need help drafting up a text where they can set boundaries.  I’ve supported a few anxious, teenage clients with this process and each time they’ve seen that it’s better to set boundaries, than to continue to be treated with disrespect.  (This blog about Cookies and Crumbs help is a good metaphor for this too.)

The positive aspect of social media, is that DARVO is gaining more awareness on Instagram and TikTok.  

Peaceful Barb (that’s her Instagram handle) and her lovely daughter, Michelle share helpful strategies on Instagram: 3 Reasons You Can’t Win an Argument with a Narcissist and DARVO explained.

Awareness comes first and then action.

Warmly,

Sharon