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Why We Hold Onto Our Magical Thinking?

Our children hold onto their worries because they truly believe that their worries are protecting them. We call this magical thinking.

They fear that by letting go of their anxiety, this could cause harm.  So even though feeling anxious is uncomfortable and stressful, they are more worried about letting the anxiety go.

Therefore, the starting place for helping a child with anxiety, is creating the awareness and understanding that the worries are not magically protecting us.

What Are Some Examples of Magical Worries?

For example, for a child who believes they must wash their hands 25 times or more or they will get really sick – this is irrational thinking.

For a child, who believes they must get perfect on every spelling test or homework assignment to be a “success” – this is irrational thinking.

For the child who insists of having their closet door closed when they’re sleeping, to protect them through the night, this is irrational thinking.

David Burns, a well-known American psychiatrist and author, in the field of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, calls these examples of irrational thinking – magical thinking.

I like this term, because it helps the child to understand that the worries are trying to pretend that they can perform magic and we can see that this is simply not true!

Once a child told me that he could no longer wear a specific set of pyjamas for bed, because they gave him nightmares.

I was then able to help him break down this belief, that he had created, and see that pyjamas neither have the powers to give us nightmares or protect us from nightmares.

My goal was then to gradually re-introduce him to wearing the previously banned and “tainted” pyjamas but this took time and cognitive behavioural therapy.

A Caution about Magical Thinking

Therefore, there is a very important caveat here…

If your child fully believes in their superstition or the magical powers of a certain routine or object, you cannot just take this away from them suddenly –  this will rapidly increase their anxiety and break their trust with you.

The first stage before we can take action, is to create awareness, and this can take time!  It is also recommended to do this with a licensed mental health practitioner who is trained in CBT.

Externalizing the Worries

By externalizing the worries, and giving them a name or a symbol, (my symbol is the Worry Imp who like to play mischievous tricks on us) we help the child to see the worries as something separate from themselves versus part of their identity.  (If your child does not want to give the worries a name or character or is an older youth, you can just call them “the worries” or “anxiety”.)

This is why it is so important to explain to your child/teen that it is anxiety or the worries that are influencing them.

Sometimes parents are worried about using the “label” of anxiety or worry.  I understand their perspective, but also explain that by not naming it, you are leaving your child more confused, feeling more helpless/powerless, and wondering if it’s all their fault that they feel this way.

By hearing it named and externalized, it takes a lot of confusion and guilt away from the child, especially when they hear that worries/anxiety tend to have a genetic link and this is not their fault!

Knowledge is power and the more information we have, the more empowered we feel.  Plus, we all feel worried sometimes – it’s part of life!  We need to know how to recognize it and how to start talking about it.  When my book was published, I held a book launch party and over 120 parents, children and teens attended.  The best part for me, was that we could all be together acknowledging that the worries exist and not be embarrassed about this.  We ate Worry Imp cake together and made arts and crafts that empowered us to manage our worries.  This is huge progress in our society and I hope we can continue to share stories and have open discussions about anxiety without stigma.

 

I hope you have some new insight for taking a closer look to see if your child is engaging in magical thinking.

Warmly,

PS.  To receive my free ebook: 8 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Your Child Is Anxious click here.

PPS.  To purchase and learn more about my children’s anxiety book: Surfing the Worry Imp’s Wave – a book to support parents and educators in helping their children (Ages 5 – 10 years) understand the worries and how to overpower them, click here.

My next round of “Brain Science” groups to teach children about anxiety and how to manage it are starting this Tuesday.  The 7-9 year old group is full but there’s still some availability in the 10-12 year old group.  You can find out more and register here.