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Developing Greater Emotional Literacy Between Parents and Children (of all ages)

I’ve now watched the documentary, ANGST three times.  Each time I am drawn to a different take-away.  In this screening, I really heard the teens in the film sharing their sadness about being misunderstood or not heard.

To feel love and connection are universal needs.  Teens, in particular, often share their hurt about not being able to talk to their parents.  Read the four things teens want parents to know about what makes them feel undervalued and/or unheard.

It’s never too late to start changing our communication style with our children, no matter how old they are – even adult children.  (In this article I will be sharing 12 examples of validating statements to foster empathy).

In my private practice, for some parent-child dual sessions, I have been laying out examples of validating statements to help the parent validate their child’s thoughts and feelings.  It has been very beneficial for parents to have these prompts because empathy coaching/validation is a new language for many parents.  Most parents of this generation were not raised with parents who were fluent in empathy coaching.

At the end of this article, I have twelve sentence prompts to help you truly validate, empathize, and get curious, with your child from toddler to teen to adult child.  (There’s also a pdf link so you can print up the examples of validating statements, cut them out, and lay them out on your coffee table to help guide your conversation.)

It’s ironic but true that most children and teens are more fluent in emotional literacy than their parents.  Therefore, they understand that it’s helpful for parents to use these sentence prompts and they also understand that the conversation goes better when the parent is using them.  It’s visual proof that you really are trying to understand their perspective!

The Goals of the Validation and Curiosity Conversation

But before we get to the examples of validating statements and curiosity prompts, let’s be clear on the goals of the conversation:

• To be very calm, to listen and understand your child’s perspective without problem solving
• To truly understand your child’s feelings and help them go deeper in expressing them
• To step into your child’s “shoes” and let go of all judgment (this does not mean that by reflecting and validating their feelings, you agree with everything they are thinking and feeling, but you do understand that there are three “truths” – their “truth”, your “truth” and the truth.  Our job is to understand what they are truly feeling and thinking from their lens.)
• To resist the temptation to defend yourself (this is not your time to defend your “truth”) – repeat this goal to yourself – this is the most difficult part of the process
• To remind yourself that this is your child’s personal experience, and as the adult, you need to manage your own reactions that might come up
• By implementing this process successfully, you are creating safety and trust so that further conversations like this can happen
• When using the sentence prompts, show warmth through your tone of voice, eyes and body language

Validating does not mean…

• Validating does not mean, you are agreeing with everything your child is saying.  Instead, you are showing that you are listening carefully and hearing what they are thinking and feeling from their perspective.
• Validating does not mean, you can no longer set limits.  Yes, you can validate your child and set limits.  See my previous article on SET communication.
• Validating does not mean, you are trying to make your child feel happy or trying to change their distressed emotions to positive emotions
• Validating does not mean, you are in problem-solving mode…remember “Feelings First Logics Last” – you are only focussing on feelings in this conversation.

If you’ve been reading my blog for some time, you will have heard me say:

“When your child’s in a state, validate, validate, validate” ~ Sharon Selby

and “Name It, to Tame It” ~ Daniel Siegel

I have written many articles on the importance of fostering a strong attachment with our children (which validating and empathizing does) and the importance of empathy.  I will link to these articles at the bottom of this page.

To begin this conversation with your child, explain that you really want to hear and understand how they are feeling and thinking – no more guessing.

You are going to lay out some pieces of paper with ideas as to how they can start this conversation.

Ask your child to think of one important concern and then offer the “Child Sentence Starters” and have your child begin…   Remember your goals for this conversation. Be warm and calm and begin.

Child’s Sentence Starters…

I feel…

I feel… because… and I need…

I feel….when…..and I wish…..

12 Examples of Validating Statements and Curiosity Prompts

(*Always start with the Validating Statements first before moving into the nonjudgmental curiosity prompts)

1. It sounds as though you’re feeling…
2. What I hear you saying is…
3. You would like me to understand that you’re feeling _______ because ____________ and you wish ….
4. What I’m learning about you is …
5. On a scale from 0-10 (with 0 being the worst and 10 being the best), how well did I summarize what you are thinking and feeling?
6. Is there any part that I’m missing or not understanding well enough?
7. What else would you like to tell me about how you’re feeling and this concern?
8. How can I support you?
9. How long have you been feeling this way?
10. What you would like me to know and understand better is…
11. Thank you for being open and sharing your feelings with me.  I really appreciate it and now have a better understanding of…
12. I’m sorry that I didn’t fully understand how you were feeling about _____ until now, and I’m grateful that you’ve shared this with me.

Click here for the link to the pdf of the 12 Examples of Validating Statements and Curiosity Statements plus the 3 Sentence Starters for the child/teen/adult child.

**Cautionary note** – Your child may bring up a concern from a few months ago or even a year ago and that’s okay.  Remember the goals of this conversation (which are stated a few paragraphs above).  Your job is to deeply listen and understand your child’s point of view, not judge what they are saying.  If they bring up a concern that was a long time ago or seems trivial to you, they might be “testing the waters” to see if you are really to be trusted with deeper more vulnerable feelings.  Follow your child’s lead and trust in the process.

All the best on this emotion coaching journey,

Warmly,

PS. Registration is now open for my September “Brain Science” groups for kids ages 7-9yrs. and 10-12yrs. to teach them about anxiety and anxiety management strategies.

PPS.  If you think these Sentence Starters could be helpful for a friend or family member, please forward this blog post to them.

More articles on the importance of Emotion Coaching and Empathy:

• Empathy – the Key to Effective Parenting
• How to Help Our Children Self-Regulate
• How to Handle Triggers and Teach Coping Skills
• Negative Emotions and The Importance of Handling Them Well