Blog

I hope all the Canadian readers are having a wonderful Thanksgiving so far.

With this being Thanksgiving – typically a family celebration –  I want to focus on the importance of tending to our relationships and the six stages of attachment.

Relationships as Plants

I like to compare relationships to plants.   A plant needs soil, water and sun to grow and thrive.

A relationship needs love, attention and nurturance to grow and thrive.

If a plant has soil but no water nor sun it will wither and eventually die.

If a relationship has love but no attention nor nurturance it will wither and the love will dry up.

For some spousal relationships, the stress of raising children, drains every drop of energy from the parents and then they have nothing left in their reserves for each other.

When there’s a lot of conflict between parents and kids/teens, it can feel more and more challenging to nurture the relationship.

This is how drifting apart happens, or tension/conflict increases.

The Six Stages of Attachment

In these cases it is important to go back to the first stage of Attachment:  Proximity.

Each parent needs to invite the other (spouse or child) into their space.  This means going on a date – spending 1:1 time together – a walk, an activity or a dinner out.  By making the effort to create time and space just for the two of you, the instinctual need for proximity is achieved.

As you spend time together, you re-kindle your “Sameness” (stage two) – the things/topics you have in common.

As you start to make this a regular ritual, you re-build the third stage of loyalty and belonging.

Overtime this recreates the fourth and fifth stage feelings of significance and love/feelings.

Finally the trust is back and the heart-to-heart experiences of the sixth stage: “being known” and being vulnerable can return.

Just because you reach the sixth stage of vulnerability, doesn’t mean that you will stay there.  For some, it feels too vulnerable to stay in this place of vulnerability, and you may find yourself back at stage one: Proximity.  We all go back and forth amongst these different stages of attachment.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Vancouver based psychologist, and co-author of the excellent book: Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter, discusses this phenomenon and these stages in detail.  He describes how he and his adolescent daughter were drifting apart and he seemed to be having a very challenging time connecting with her.  He then took her camping into the wilderness.  At first she would walk metres ahead of him and sit far away from him but as the days continued she started to walk closer and talk more.  By the end of their camping trip the channels of communication and attachment were open once more.

When in doubt, focus on the relationship.  Brené Brown, author of Daring Greatly, has created a manifesto for Whole-hearted Parenting which can be downloaded and put up on one’s fridge.  Her manifesto focuses on vulnerability, authenticity, and being there whole-heartedly for one’s children.

Thanksgiving is a time to express thankfulness, especially for all the close relationships we have in our lives.

Happy Thanksgiving!

With much gratitude,

PS.  Watch this video to see the six stages of attachment unfold in this true story between father and son (two minute video)

PPS.  Read about the first three stages of Attachment here and the second three stages here.

**Registration is now open for my next round of Self-Empowerment groups to teach your child about inner confidence, growth mindset, self-regulation, perspective taking, and friendship dynamics.  You can read more about it and register here.