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The Challenges of Being An Alpha Parent or Teacher Today

​Being an Alpha parent or Alpha teacher, in today’s generation, is much different than previous generations and in many ways more challenging.

In today’s generation…

Children and teens know they have a voice – which is a good thing but it can challenge the Alpha position of the parent or teacher

Children and teens seem to have higher sensitivity (as Dr. Fox, author of The Worried Child, says: Sensitive people partner up with sensitive people and breed doubly sensitive kids) which is also positive but can lead to high anxiety, which can lead to Anxiety being the Alpha and ruling the house

​Corporal punishment is out (which is very positive) but parents can feel lost and confused as to how to set limits

​Technology is taking away our Alpha position, as it is giving kids all the information they could ever wish to search up, and we are not able to be the ones to teach them important information or at a time when they are developmentally ready

(For high school teachers, in both private and public schools, students spend a lot of their class time on their phones – listening to music, texting or scrolling through social media.  In one school, I saw the teacher reading from the front of the class, and through the glass I could see the students in the back row, holding up their books, as if they were reading, but their phones were inserted inside the pages.)

Social media has created another whole layer of angst to the already anxiety-provoking teen years.  It’s difficult for families to go away on vacation or have screen-free time at home when kids are unable to unplug for fear of FOMO – Fear of Missing Out

These are just a few of the challenges, that are making it more and more difficult for parents and teachers to raise and teach today.

Technology is Our Biggest Competition for Being an Alpha Parent or Teacher

From my experience, I see technology as our biggest challenge.  I know there are many wonderful aspects to technology but in my work, I see the serious concerns with technology and that is what I will focus on here:

➡ As Dr. Gordon Neufeld explains, eating together is an Alpha ritual.  The parent provides the meal, and the children are nurtured by the food and by the connection and conversation that happens around the table.

➡ When parents bring tablets and phones to restaurants for their kids or allow them at the kitchen or dining table, the child is now plugged into the technology and not into their hierarchical relationship with their parents.

➡ When children and teens can search up whatever information they wish, we have lost our Alpha position to be the ones to teach them.  Sometimes, they are looking up information which is developmentally inappropriate and harmful.

➡ Once they have social media, they are in the trap of comparison.  As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy”.

They are constantly comparing their lives to each others, and their social media accounts to others.  Through Snap map, they can see where people are hanging out and feel the FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) if they weren’t included.  This becomes their way of communicating, and so parents feel pressured because they don’t want their child to be ostracized for not having social media but having social media creates its own complications

➡ They can find Instagram, Snapchat and Tiktok accounts to follow, that in a parent’s eyes would be considered a negative influence, but for them, these accounts become new role models, further undermining the parental influence.

➡ Parents find themselves in ongoing battles, as they supervise how much screen-time their child is having, and these battles erode the parent-child connection which is the foundation of being an Alpha parent

How Can We Hold Onto Being An Alpha Parent or Teacher

Dr. Gordon Neufeld (Developmental Psychologist, Speaker and Author) is an expert on the Alpha instincts.

He recommends that we watch our choice of words very carefully, as words are very powerful.

• Do we give empty threats?
• Do we ask our child’s permission for things that are our decision? (Eg. Is it okay if we go…?)
• Do we add “okay” to the end of our sentences, implying that we’re asking permission? (Eg. I’m just going to talk to my friend, okay?)
• Do we make statements that we can’t enforce? (Eg. You have to be asleep by 9pm.) We can create the conditions for sleep but we can’t make a child close their eyes and sleep.

He describes being an Alpha parent or Alpha teacher as an Event Coordinator.

• An event coordinator takes charge but doesn’t yell
• An event coordinator has a certain presence that conveys boundaries
• An event coordinator remains calm, even under pressure, and even when things go sideways

When parents use expressions such as “I give up!”  “I’ve had it!” “I’m done!” “I can’t take this anymore!”, they give away their Alpha position.

As parents and teachers, we need to be one step ahead.

• If a child is a constant negotiator, then say your piece and then say: “I know you will have a different point of view, so now it’s your turn.” (This keeps you in the Alpha position)
• If a child is asking for something, you may wish to say “yes” but also say that you were just thinking of that yourself (this can’t be over-used but it does maintain the Alpha position)
• If a teen is making fun of you, use humour and show that they’re not getting “under your skin”
• To enforce, requests such as chores and responsibilities, use “When…..then”

Eg.  Your child asks if a friend can come over, and you say “Sure, when your room is clean, then your friend can come over.”

Retaining the Alpha Position with Technology.

• Stick to the recommended age limits:  No technology for children 2yrs and younger (and I would recommend holding off as long as possible, and waiting until the tween years.)
• Stick to the law for social media apps – Tiktok, Instagram, Snapchat etc.  The legal age is 13 years +
• Have many discussions with your child about the content – show interest even if you’re not interested
• Set up limits on devices and with WIFI on your home (Sites such as this one are helpful)
• Have time limits and content limits on video games (If it’s too difficult to enforce, research something like BOB).
• For playdates, agree ahead of time, how much will be on screens and how much will be off screens
• Have WIFI go off at night for the whole family
• Go on internet-free, device-free vacations

For more ideas on being an Alpha Parent, read my previous article here.

For more information on how to handle summer screen-time, click here.

Being an Alpha parent, does not mean being an Authoritarian parent – remember attachment is the foundation for being an Alpha parent or teacher.

Summer time is an opportunity for parents to strengthen one’s Alpha position, I hope this article gives you some new ideas.

Warmly,

PS. Registration is now open for my next round of ONLINE and IN-PERSON “Brain Science” Anxiety Management groups for children ages 7-9yrs. and 10-12yrs.  To find out more and to register, please click here.

PPS.   Follow me on Instagram, for daily inspiration on your parenting journey @sharonselbyparenting

📷 thank you to Jelleke Vanooteghem at Unsplash