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In the excellent book, Rest, Play, Grow:  Making Sense of Preschoolers (or anyone who acts like one!) by Deborah Macnamara, you will find a clear and easy to understand summary of developmental theory and the path to maturity from Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s lense.

As you may know, Gordon Neufeld is a Vancouver-based psychologist who has devoted his life work to understanding attachment theory and how attachment impacts our development from newborn to adulthood.

Brain Development and the Path of Maturity

The preschool age is a misunderstood time of child development because the prefrontal cortex of the brain (the wise leader) is in such early stages of development.  It starts to make an impact between ages 5-7 and for more sensitive children between ages 7-9.  However, because children are typically talking and walking by ages 3-4 we have unrealistic expectations; we think they should also be able to control their impulses and feelings of frustration, anger etc.

When the right and left brain hemispheres have developed enough, the prefrontal cortex becomes, as Neufeld describes, a “mixing bowl” for conflicting thoughts, feelings and impulses.

Now instead of feeling angry and throwing things, a child feels angry and simultaneously realizes that throwing something might hurt someone.  This combination of the impulse to react + caring about the impact leads to the more mature feeling of self-control.

The Six Virtues of Maturity

Impulse to react + Caring = Self Control

Frustration + Caring = Patience

Fear + Desire = Courage

Concern about oneself + Compassion for others = Consideration

Revenge + Caring = Forgiveness

Obstacles + Caring to make something work = Sacrifice

(p. 33, The Six Virtues of Maturity, Rest Play Grow, D. Macnamara)

How Often Does Our Own Immaturity Get Triggered?

When we look at these six virtues, we may realize that even as adults with fully developed brains and a lot of life lessons and experience, we may not always succeed at self-control, patience, courage, consideration, forgiveness, or sacrifice.

However…  awareness = action

Now that we know the above “forumlas” we can use them when our own immaturity rises.  Instead of  acting on impulse and reacting, we can try to find our caring feelings and mix our reactive thoughts/feelings with caring thoughts/feelings to exhibit self control.

We also need to have realistic expectations for our children and teens.  They won’t always exhibit maturity and we need to be compassionate and guide them.

Especially for our adolescents….  their prefrontal cortex undergoes reconstruction throughout the teen years and this makes it challenging for them to always act mature.

On our recent summer vacation, I met a couple who were chatting to me about their grown kids who are now in their twenties.  They said that especially for their son, it took until he was 25 to be “nice” again and thinking about others.  The mom said that she and her friends had come to the general conclusion that age 25 was the “magic number”.

Interestingly, brain scientists tell us that the prefrontal cortex continues to undergo a major transformation until approximately age 25.

For this reason, I think Macnamara’s book is an excellent read for parents of children age 0 – 25yrs.

Attachment Needs Are As Strong As Hunger

Throughout the book, she explains the critical role of the attachment relationship we have with our children.  She explains that attachment is like hunger.  It’s an internal drive that needs to be fed.  As parents, we are our children’s “best bet” and we need to be the ones to satiate our child’s need for attachment.

When our children are clinging to us, crying for us, whining for us etc. we need to recognize that they are craving connection.  No matter how tired we are, we need to find a way to connect and attach.

When are children are sick or going through tough transitions, there attachment needs will be elevated and we need to be there for them.

We need to hug them and be with them, until they are the ones to jump off our lap, finish the hug, or leave the room, as indicators that they’re renewed and filled up again.

If our children feel at rest with their attachment needs, they will play and they will grow.  Just as a plant needs water, sun and soil and then a plant naturally grows, we don’t have to push it.

You may also be interested in my previous article about the six stages of attachment:  Strengthening the Bond with Your Child 

Warmly,

PS. Registration is now open for in-person January Brain Science groups to teach children ages 7-9yrs. and 10-12yrs. about anxiety and how to manage it.  (Online group also available for 7-10 year olds).For more information about these Winter groups and to register, click here.