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TRIGGERS Impact Attachment

Parents’ stress and personal triggers directly affect their relationship with their children.  Previously, I have summarized Dr. Daniel Siegel’s work on how to build resiliency in our children through our relationship with them.

Daniel Siegel has written many books but he recommends reading Parenting from the Inside Out, first.

Why?

Because our childhood experiences shape the way we parent and what triggers (emotional childhood wounds) we have.

Our interpersonal relationships with our children directly affect the development of their brains.

In order for us to give them the best chance possible of growing up as confident, resilient, emotionally-balanced, thriving human beings, we need to gain a deeper understanding of our own life-stories.

Daniel Siegel, discusses in depth, the very important topic of attachment.  Moreover, he includes information on the latest brain research and how our parenting style directly impacts our child’s brain development.

The Different Types of Attachment Patterns

Look at these attachment categories and see where you and your child fit, keeping in mind that you may have some elements of several categories (p.125 D. Siegel, Parenting from the Inside Out):

A: Adult: Secure (free or autonomous)  Child: Securely Attached

B: Adult: Dismissing/emotionally unavailable  Child: Avoidantly Attached

C: Adult:   Preoccupied/entangled/anxious/uncertain/inconsistent/intrusive. Child: Ambivalently Attached

D: Adult:  Unresolved trauma or loss/disorganized/rage/dysregulation. Child: Disorganizedly Attached

Attachment involves attuning to your child. Being emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, ambivalent or enraged with your child occasionally will not permanently damage your attachment relationship, as long as the majority of the time you provide a secure, stable interpersonal relationship.

The 4 S’s of a Secure Attachment for Parent to Child and Spouse to Spouse

SAFE: The person your are close to is NOT a source of fear.  There is reconnection and repair after conflict.

SEEN: You feel acknowledged. You can express emotions.

SOOTHED: You feel comforted and you have learned coping strategies to manage big feelings.

SECURE: The above 3Ss are consistent which leads to the security to allow oneself to be vulnerable.  One feels secure that their parent or spouse is consistently there for them.

This is difficult to do and Parenting from the Inside Out  guides you through the process.  In addition, you may recognize that you’re not able to control your emotions/triggers and should therefore seek some professional help from a counsellor or psychologist.  This can be a life-changing and freeing experience to take the necessary steps to change one’s patterning.

What is Shame versus Guilt?

To be shamed is to feel unworthy, disgraced, and condemned.

The feelings of shame are very harmful and many adults continue to carry feelings of shame from their childhoods.

When children feel shame, they feel defective and their eyes turn away. They believe they are bad.

When children feel guilty, they believe their actions were wrong and they are motivated to do better next time.

(Parenting from the Inside-Out helps one identify why one’s buttons get pushed and how to gain control over these reactions. When we understand how our brain works, we can then change our brain.)

Peace begins at home.  In raising children, there are many experiences that trigger one’s own failures and hurts from childhood. This brings up old wounds and the hurt felt inside can suddenly be lashed out towards the vulnerable child.

Raising children is a huge responsibility which means looking inwards and recognizing triggers, in order that one has a plan if the hot buttons do get pushed.

#1 rule:  If shaming words are erupting, explain that you need to give yourself a break, stop talking, walk away and give yourself  time to breathe and calm down.  

Then, it is essential to repair and reconnect.

Signs that an Adult Has an Insecure Attachment Pattern

• Fear of abandonment

• Feels unworthy of love

• Needs frequent validation

• Hyper-vigilance of other’s behaviours and moods

• Difficulty setting boundaries

• Codependent

• Commitment avoidance

• Emotionally unavailable

Admitting our vulnerabilities as parents, is the Shadow side of parenting – the part that we don’t want to acknowledge or talk about.  However, it is not about judgement, it is about growing along-side our children and giving them the best that we have to offer.  The more we become aware of ourselves and our emotions, the happier and more secure parents we can be.

As Dr. Gabor Maté says: “Children view themselves by their interactions with their parents.” If you haven’t read Parenting from the Inside-Out yet, I highly recommend you read it.  I think it is the #1 most important parenting book written by Dr. Daniel Siegel, one of the most highly regarded professionals in the field of attachment and neuroscience.

Warmly,