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How Can I Strengthen My Relationship with My Child?

A parent recently told me what she never imagined parenting would be this hard!  It’s true, raising children is not an easy task but it’s also a very rewarding experience. 

It’s natural that when our children aren’t acting the way that we wish they would, we feel…

• frustrated
• angry
• irritated
• disappointed
• afraid
• anxious
• helpless
• incredulous

and these feelings usually lead to negative interactions with our child which don’t build our relationship…

How Can We Be More Focused on Building Our Parent-Child Relationship Even When We’re Frustrated?

As you may have heard me say before…

“Our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings create our actions”

which means that we have to break down our thoughts and REFRAME. 

*Being able to REFRAME is the key to strengthening our parent-child relationship. 

If you imagine changing the frame around a favourite photo or piece of art, you can imagine how much the frame changes the way the image looks.

When we reframe our thoughts, we are still looking at the same person or situation, but we are changing our way of looking at them or it.

Examples of Reframing

Our initial thought:  Johnny is so lazy

Our initial feeling:  Afraid for his future

Our initial reaction: Overcompensating or getting mad at him

Now let’s try a REFRAME…

We could look at the situation from our child’s perspective and change our thought to:

(New thought):  Johnny’s really struggling.

(New feeling):  I feel concerned.

(New proactive action):  I need to be a detective and try to figure out, what is beneath the struggle?

Remember ALL behaviour is communication and serves a purpose.

Perhaps our child has low self-esteem, is feeling unhappy, is in a negative peer group, has an undiagnosed learning disability, or is in a school that is not the best “fit” etc.

When we can change our thoughts and put ourselves in the other person’s “shoes”, we can REFRAME our thoughts, which changes the way we feel and act to a more positive, proactive interaction.

Let’s try another one…

Initial thought:  Jane can’t even hand in her schoolwork or ask her teacher for help.

Initial feelings: Confused, disappointed and frustrated

Initial action:  Nagging and moralizing

How can we reframe this?

From the child’s perspective, we can wonder…

(New thought):  What is stopping her from handing in her assignments and asking the teacher for help?

(New feeling):  We can feel compassionate.

(New proactive action): We can scaffold her so that we help create supports to remind her to hand in her work but not rescue her.  We can meet with her and the teacher to help her express herself to the teacher, but not do it all for her.

Reframing for Compassion

As our children enter the adolescent years, it can be a particularly trying time.   Our parent-child relationship gets truly tested.

Our children’s bodies are changing so much! Their “wise owl” brain (the prefrontal cortex) is going under reconstruction, and they are experiencing hormonal changes, which can all dramatically impact our child who may now seem awkward, moody, and/or distant.

Parents may think their child is unravelling which could lead to feelings of worry and helplessness.  This may result in the parents withdrawing their love or trying to overly control their child. 

However, the adolescence years are a time of metamorphosis, and we need to remind ourselves of this in our thoughts.  This way we can feel more patient and be more supportive, even when our child is volatile. 

We need to remind ourselves that our child is his/her own person and is on his/her own individual path.  We can provide support but we can’t control every outcome. 

Khalil Gibran eloquently describes our relationship to our children in his writing “On Children” in The Prophet:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you.

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might,

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness,

For even as He loves the arrow that flies.

Next time you’re frustrated, think about how you can strengthen you parent-child relationship, by reframing the situation.  As your children finish the school year, they may be unravelling as this is a big transition time and the regular routine of school changes a lot.  This is an important time to use reframing and recognize that your child’s behaviour could be driven by the angst that comes with these changes.

I hope the last week of school goes well for you and your children, for those of you who have one more week to go,

Warmly,

PS.  Registration is open for my August Summer “Brain Science” groups to teach children (Ages 7-9yrs. and 10-12yrs.) about anxiety and anxiety management strategies.  In these groups I teach children about reframing their thoughts as this is a key component of CBT.  To learn more and register online click here.

PPS.  You may also be interested in my children’s book, Surfing the Worry Imp’s Wave ~ Empowering Children Ages 5-10yrs. to Understand and Overpower Anxiety.  It also comes with a free 55 page Digital Discussion and Activity Guide to support you, step-by-step, in teaching the CBT concepts to your child, and provides you with recorded “Surfing the Worry Imp’s Wave” meditations, printable pdfs with all the 10 Wiley Wise Owl Tools so your child can make his/her own Wiley Wise Owl Treasure Chest and lots more.  Scroll up and to the right margin for more information.