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I often hear parents tell me how triggered they get by their kids.

There’s no doubt about it – raising children activates all our wounds and opens the door to an emotional self-discovery growth journey.

When we get triggered we may blame our child and their behaviour, but in actuality, it goes much deeper.

Our own childhood wound(s) has just been triggered.  This is critical information.

Instead of blaming our child, we need to take responsibility for our own reaction and recognize that this is our own wound(s) that just got triggered.

(It’s true that our child’s behaviour may have been inappropriate but if we didn’t get triggered, we’d be able to respond from a grounded place versus react from a triggered place.)

However, it’s not helpful to blame ourselves, as we are the product of our own upbringing and our parents are the product of their upbringing and so on.  These are inter-generational issues or in some case inter-generational traumas.

If you have a child with more challenging wiring, it will test you even more.  Blaming one’s child for one’s own acting-out behaviours is called scapegoating.  This is very harmful to the child.  No matter what circumstances are, we are still 100% responsible for our own feelings and actions.

5 Steps to Handling Our Triggers

1. As soon as you get triggered, notice the feelings in your body.  Eg.  Racing heart, “blood boiling”, flushed cheeks, tightness in chest and/or fists, shallow breathing, stomach discomfort etc.

2. Have you gone into FIGHT, FLIGHT or FREEZE? Fight = raising your voice or wanting to be physical with your child (physical “punishment” is never okay).  Flight = storm out of the room.  Freeze = silent treatment.

3. Tell yourself, it’s okay.  You are triggered and this is your childhood issues.  Be kind to yourself.  Take deep breaths, shake out your hands, splash water on your face or drink a glass of water, let your family know that you are triggered and need to take a break (walk away).  By focussing on yourself and your reaction, and not taking it out on your child, you are growing new neural pathways. Each time you make this choice, this pathway will get stronger and stronger.

4. As you take deep breaths, try to reflect on how this incident is connected to a childhood wound from your past.  Often our triggers are connected to a fear of failure, fear of unknown/uncertainty, fear of abandonment/rejection, fear of vulnerability etc. 

 Think back to your own childhood…

For example:

• Is your child expressing emotions (anger, sadness, frustration, anxiety etc.) which triggers you because you weren’t allowed to express these kinds of emotions in your family?

 

• Was it thought to be a sign of “weakness” to express one’s emotions in your family?  Note that EQ (emotional intelligence) is a highly valued quality in today’s workplace and adults with high EQ will be more attuned to their own kids.

 

• Is your child wanting hugs and affection and you feel triggered because one of your self-defense mechanisms growing up was to be “independent” and emotionally detached?

 

• Is your child saying rude words or acting oppositional which triggers you because you were never allowed to have a voice growing up (in your family it wasn’t okay to speak up and share a different perspective)

 

• What other beliefs are you having as you get triggered by your child?  Notice how these connect to your childhood.

5.  Once you’ve calmed down, you may be ready to interact with your child again or if you’re not yet ready, write your thoughts down in a journal or talk to a close friend or partner to process your triggers.

Learning to manage our triggers and heal our wounds is not easy but it is incredibly rewarding.  You really can train yourself from being a parent who “loses it” to a parent who is able to be the anchor and respond from a centered, grounded place.

The Four S’s of Handling Meltdowns

Neuropsychiatrist, and excellent author of many great books, Dr. Daniel Siegel, describes our job as the four S’s.  These four S’s are what our children and teens need from us when they are activated:

S –> Seen –> Perceive them deeply and empathically

S –> Safe –> Avoid actions and responses/reactions that frighten or hurt them

S –> Soothed –> Help them deal with their difficult emotions and situations

S –> Secure –> Help them develop an internalized sense of well-being

We need to remember that our children are immature until age 25 years!

As adults and parents we have reached maturity and need to respond in a mature way to our immature child.

Read my previous post about immaturity and maturity: How Thoughts, Feelings and Impulses Mature here.

To explore your Family of Origin issues and wounds further, I recommend reading:  Family Ties that Bind by Dr. Richard Richardson and Parenting from the Inside-Out by Dr. Daniel Siegel.

With repetitive practice, it is possible to change old habits to new ones,

All the best to you,

Warmly,