Photo credit:  Eric on Flickr  – Creative Commons Licence

I imagine most of you will have heard details about the Brock Turner rape crime, behind the dumpster at Stanford University.  It’s horrific and it makes my chest tight as I write about it.  However, to make a difference in the world, we need to educate ourselves and think about what we can do to make a difference and how we can proactively teach our children virtues (dictionary definition: behaviour showing high moral standards), which is the purpose of this blog.

This statement by the female victim is very powerful.  I encourage you to read it, in its entirety, however, if you are a man or woman who has experienced sexual assault in any form, I’m warning you, that it could be be re-traumatizing for you to read her very detailed account and therefore it may be wiser for you not to read it.

I applaud this young woman for having the courage and strength to speak up, go through a traumatizing trial and share her letter publicly that she personally stated to Brock Turner.

I truly believe that as parents, we need to teach our children and teens some very important virtues that come out of this crime.

Please take 5 minutes to read these important 7 lessons:

7 Virtues We Need to Teach Our Children

You have every right to say “no” whenever you are uncomfortable and with whomever

In this case, the woman was unconscious and unable to say “no” but there are many uncountable acts of violation towards another where the power imbalance creates fear in the victim and the victim acquiesces.

My husband and I recently went over this lesson with our children (ages 13yrs. and 10 yrs.) after hearing about two high-school students who were allegedly shamed in front of their class by the teacher, who asked them to slow-dance in front of everyone.  We told our children, if anyone (including someone you thought you could trust such as a teacher, a relative, a friend etc.) puts you in a position where you feel uncomfortable, you absolutely have the right to say “no” and we will 100% back you up.  You can tell that adult that you do not feel comfortable and that you wish  to speak to your parents.

When our children have been made to feel uncomfortable, we need to believe them and take action to address the adults’ wrong doings.

The choices we make are often irreversible

Whether we choose to get into a car with a drunk driver, put an illegal drug under our tongue or violate another human being, once the action has started, it’s too late to wish we hadn’t done it – there is no going back.

Therefore, as parents, when we set our logical consequences we need to follow through.  If our child borrows our car but doesn’t come home by midnight, as per your agreement, and doesn’t text you to explain what is going on, the logical consequence would be that your child is not allowed to borrow your car the following weekend (or however long you decide).  If your child then tries to be really well-behaved all week, in hopes that you will change your mind, you are doing your child a complete disservice if you then change your mind and allow your child to borrow your car. If you change your position, and allow your child to borrow the car, because he/she was so well-behaved, your child now learns that you can do wrong, and as long as you behave nicely afterwards, you can get out of your consequence.

Delay gratification

Unfortunately, we are living in what is known as the generation of entitlement.  Technology has also contributed to allowing us to have everything at our finger tips.  If we want the latest and greatest electronic device…no problem…Amazon will have it and can ship it to our door in two days!

As parents, we need to role model delayed gratification and we need to ensure that our children experience delayed gratification.  We can’t have everything we want just because we have strong feelings that we want it!

As parents, we need to have our children on an allowance system so that they learn to budget, learn to save up and learn that they can’t just have everything they want, just because they want it.  (For my previous blog, on setting up an allowance with your children click here.)

Take responsibility and make amends – Do the repair work

When we cause emotional damage or physical damage, there needs to be repair work.  This is a concept that we can teach our children as young as 2 or 3 years old.  Nothing will fully repair Brock Turner’s victim’s life, but an attempt to repair would have gone along way versus the minimizing that he and his father participated in, which has further added fuel to the fire across the world.  I personally think this is an excellent letter that was written by a father to Brock Turner’s father and published by the Huffington Post on taking responsibility.

We need to ensure that our children learn about taking responsibility and we need to role model this important virtue for them too.

Be an active bystander

For all of you who have had your children participate in my self-empowerment groups, you know that I spend an entire lesson on being an active bystander.  When we see someone being bullied or violated, we have choices as the witness.  We can stand up for the person, we can support the person in leaving the setting, and we can tell someone.

Thankfully, in the Brock Turner crime, two young Swedish men were riding their bikes when they came across Brock Turner on top of an unconscious woman behind a dumpster.  They took action and grabbed him.  They called the police and held him until the police arrived, and in so doing they got the young woman out of the setting and into care.

We need to teach our children these three important actions (stand up for someone, take the person away to a safer setting and tell an adult) and again, we need to role model these actions for them!

Alcohol and drugs affect our decision making process

Alcohol and drugs are dangerous and put us at risk.  In the moment, they may make us feel invincible and happy, but they come with extreme risks.  If we choose to take alcohol and/or drugs, we need to know that we are putting ourselves at risk and our children need to understand this too.

Both Brock and his victim will be wishing that they had never drank alcohol that night, but it’s too late, both of their lives are forever damaged, and by no means am I excusing Brock of his reproachable actions.  I’m definitely not saying that it’s the alcohol’s fault that this happened, because Brock was aware of what he was doing (he tried to run away when he got caught) but the reality is that if Brock hadn’t drunk that night and the victim hadn’t drunk that night, this crime probably would not have happened.  However, as the victim says in her statement, drinking until you’re unconscious is not illegal, but violating another human being is a crime and this is true, no matter what state someone is in.

As parents, we need to realize that our teens will most probably experiment with drugs or alcohol.  However, we need to have a strong and trusting relationship with our teens, so that if they get into trouble at a party or they recognize that they’ve drunk too much, or taken drugs, they can call us at anytime, from anywhere, in any state, and we will be there for them and they do not have to fear punishment.  Yes, we would need to follow-up with them later, but if they fear punishment, they will not reach out to us.  We also need to teach them to look out for each other, and be aware of drugs, such as Rohypnol, (a date rape drug) being secretly added to their drinks.

We also need to role model our own use of substances such as alcohol and drugs.

Tell someone if you are being victimized

If our children tell us that they received an uncomfortable text, or someone touched them inappropriately, or a teacher shamed them in front of the class, we need to stop everything we’re doing and believe them.  The worst response a child can ever hear, when they’re trying to share is:  “Well what did you do for this to happen?”

Every child and teenager’s wish is to be heard, not judged.

Thank you for sharing this important post through forwarding this blog to friends and family and sharing on social media.  I feel so strongly that we can each make a difference, if we teach our children these invaluable lessons, and that is our responsibility.

Warmly,

PS. To continue this conversation, please head over to my Facebook page.

PPS. Registration for my summer “brain science” camps is now open.  These groups teach children (ages 7-9 yrs. and 10-12 yrs.) about anxiety and anxiety management skills.  For more information and to register online, please click here. and then click on “upcoming groups”.