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A few years ago, I wrote an article about our unconscious triggers and how they impact our children.  This article was inspired by the transformative book, The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary.  Dr. Shefali Tsabary has since come out with another deeply transformative book called, The Awakened Family which I encourage you to put as your #1 must-read (or must listen-to) book.

In this latest book, we are reminded that, as parents, we are growing with our children.

In an awakened family, parents are aware that every relationship in their family exists to help each person grow.

Parents view their children as mirrors through which they are able to see how they themselves need to mature and develop.

Instead of fixing what they see as faults in their children, these parents seek to work on themselves, raising their own levels of maturity and presence.

The focus is always on the parent’s awareness rather than the child’s behaviour.

~ Dr. Shefali Tsabary, The Awakened Family, p.2

This parenting paradigm is very different to the one which most of us are familiar with or grew up with, and that is because we are evolving all the time.

As we become more self-aware, we realize that there is so much more to parenting than raising “well-behaved” kids.

We also realize that nowadays parenting is so much more complicated, as the simple ways of using authority and fear no longer work or make sense.

As we learn more, we realize that our Ego mind is playing a huge part in our role of parenting and this is not productive.

The EGO MIND

Have you heard of your Ego mind?  Do you realize how much it is interfering with your parent-child relationship?

Another one of my most favourite books is A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckart Tolle.  In this book, Eckart Tolle talks a lot about the Ego – I highly recommend this book.

The Ego is the part of our brain that judges, compares, feels superior or inferior, and identifies itself with external “things”.

When we complain about others, feel resentment, gossip, buy more of the latest and greatest “toys” etc. we are feeding the  Ego mind.

When we are parenting from a place of fear we are parenting from our EGO.

When we project our unmet desires and wishes onto our children, we are feeding our Ego mind.  When we are feeling sorry for ourselves, we are feeding the Ego.

When we have an agenda for our children, of how we think they can fulfill their own dreams, this is the Ego at work.

The Biggest Paradox in Parenting – The EGO!

When our children are “misbehaving” and we have a big reaction to their behaviour, we believe that it is our children’s fault, when in actual fact, it is OUR EGO which is responsible.

Let’s look at some examples:

1.Your child is not putting effort into their school work and doesn’t seem to care about their marks.

Your big reaction (from the Ego mind):

How dare my child not study!  Here I am working so hard to provide for my family and they just don’t care!  What an ungrateful child.  They should be studying right now.

Your Ego’s beliefs:

If my child doesn’t study, they will not be successful in life and will not get into a “good university”.   If they’re a failure, then I will have failed.

Non-Ego observation:

My child isn’t studying.  I wonder what could be going on for them at this present moment.  I am having a big reaction because all my life, my parents told me how important it was to study and if I didn’t get really good marks then I knew they wouldn’t be proud and wouldn’t love me as much.

2. Your child bakes a cake and makes a huge mess of the kitchen.

Your big reaction (from the Ego mind):

What an awful mess!  (Scream at child)  What have you done?!  I don’t care if you’re trying to make a cake, I’ve had it with this mess.  You clean it up right now.

Your Ego’s beliefs:

If I had made such a mess when I was younger and baking, I would have been spanked.  My parent would have flown into rage.  My child should know better.  This is the sign of an out-of-control child.

Non-Ego observation:

My child is experimenting in the kitchen.  It’s okay that there’s a mess.  It’s more about the process than the outcome.  I feel very reactive inside because this is triggering my memories of my parents losing control of their emotions when things weren’t perfect with my behaviour.

3. Child has been invited to a friend’s cabin for a week.

Your big reaction from your Ego mind:

I can’t believe my child would rather go to their friend’s cabin for a week than spend the week with us!

Your Ego’s beliefs:

I am being abandoned by my child.  Our close relationship is gone.  I’ve lost my child.

Non-Ego observation:

It’s okay that my child wants to go and spend a week with their friend and family.  I am having a big reaction inside because it reminds me of the abandonment feelings I would have when I was young and my parents would go away for a month at a time and leave my sibling and me with a nanny.

Do you see how the Ego interferes?  I love the way Dr. Shefali says that she thinks of the work “interfere” as meaning “inter-fear”.

Take action tip for this week…

When you notice yourself having a big reaction with your child, or spouse, a friend or a stranger….stop, pause and reflect.  What could this be triggering inside of you?  What is the story that you are telling yourself that comes from your childhood imprints?

Take deep breaths, and allow yourself to notice your big feelings … but without reacting.  By becoming aware of your big feelings and taking responsibility for them, they will dissipate and become less and less.

Dr. Shefali asks a very important question…

When there is a “behaviour problem” are you shining the spotlight outward on your child or inward toward yourself?

Have a wonderful week dissolving the Ego and shining the spotlight inward,

Warmly,