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This week it has been a recurring theme in my work and Q & A webinar that many children seem to be having increased anxiety at the moment.  There is often a spike in school anxiety after a long weekend or school vacation, and it seems as though some children are still having a difficult time settling back into school after having had a nice time with family during the Spring vacation.

How Do I Get My Child to Go to School?

This is a question I often hear and I have also experienced this situation as a parent.

First we need to check our child physically.  When a child says he/she has a stomachache and you know that he/she is prone to anxiety, it is important to check for a fever or any other visible signs of a virus, but if you can’t find any, then it’s most probably the “worry dragon” stomachache.

Next we need to be sure that nothing of serious concern is happening at school such as bullying or shaming.

If it seems everything at school is okay, then it’s important to still try and figure out what could be causing the anxiety, but this may take some time.

It could be that your child is…

• experiencing separation anxiety from you

• experiencing social anxiety (more common in high school)

• experiencing general anxiety and have a lot of “What if” thoughts going through his/her head

• something really embarrassing could have happened (such as vomiting at school) and he/she feels too embarrassed to go to school

• there maybe an undiagnosed learning disability and he/she may be finding the school work overwhelming or noticing that he/she just doesn’t “get it” or is slower to complete tasks than peers   (Teachers will not always be able to spot every learning disability, so if you are concerned that your child might be having difficulties with written output, reading, reading comprehension, oral comprehension, slower processing etc. it is important to raise your concerns and have a private psycho-educational assessment or ask the school to follow-up with some assessment.)

Action Items for Getting My Child to Go to School

• Plan ahead for the morning to go well by giving your child more than enough time to get ready for school (sensitive/anxious children usually feel very embarrassed to arrive at school late)

• Try to leave the house early and either plan a positive stop, such as getting a hot chocolate at a coffee shop, or get to school early and for elementary school children have time to play on the playground and/or meet up with friends

• Ask another family if you could have your children go to school together for a few days to help your child get back into the routine of school (be sure to check out this idea with your child first or he/she may be so embarrassed by this idea that he/she never leaves his/her bedroom)

• Ask your school counsellor to meet you at the school five minutes before school starts so that you can transition your child into the presence of another trusted adult

• Ask the classroom teacher, if your child could arrive 15 minutes early to help secure their connection for the day before all the other kids arrive.  Your teacher might like help with taking down chairs from desks, sharpening pencils, cleaning the white board etc.

• Ask the teacher if there could be a plan for your child if anxiety does spike at school.  Perhaps your child could go to a quiet area and listen to an audio book, quiet music or listen to a relaxation mediation.  Perhaps your child would rather read or draw.  It would be helpful for your child to help generate ideas for calming down the anxiety, with his/her teacher

• Perhaps your child could go to school with someone who he/she doesn’t normally go with (Perhaps the other parent, or a close friend?  This makes the separation process a little easier)

• For younger children, I wrote a previous post about the beautiful book, The Invisible String.  I used this own metaphor with my own children when they were younger, and I bought them both a rose quartz crystal heart in a special velvet pouch which I placed in their backpacks, just in case they ever needed it

• Talk to your child about something positive you’ll do together, when you pick him/her up at 3pm  (It is best not to set it up as a bribe by saying “if you go to school…then…..”, instead you could say that you understand it’s really hard for him/her to go to school at the moment and so you want him/her to have something to look forward to at the end of the day so he/she can try to focus on positive thoughts)

If I Still Can’t My Child to Go to School or __________  (fill in the blank – perhaps it’s a new activity?)

If your child is still wide-eyed and basically in panic about going to school,  you may need to do more of an intervention such as:

• Staying at school with your child for the first part of the morning…or longer (depending on the situation)  You could ask if you could sit on a chair in the hallway with your book or computer, or perhaps you could help out in the school library

• You could arrange to come back at recess/lunch and check-in with your child

• You may need to do gradual entry again, as they do in kindergarten, whereby your child attends for a shortened day and then it gradually gets increased

The bottom-line is that you want to do everything you can, in the most supportive way possible, to get your child to go to school.

Avoidance fuels anxiety because the child gets an immediate relief from avoiding the anxiety-provoking situation, and this further confirms for the child that this situation was a true threat, and then it becomes progressively more difficult to get your child to attend.

The goal is always to try and get your child to attend, even if it’s for part of the day.

If your child absolutely refuses then it’s important that you remain supportive but home needs to be boring.  This means no screens/electronics/treats etc.  Print up some worksheets from the internet and try to replicate school as much as possible.  This means that your child does the worksheets independently at a table, not with you by his/her side, as this is not what you would be doing at school.

If this school refusal continues, then it’s important to consult with a licensed mental-health professional and have a team meeting with the school.

As a parent, it’s extremely distressing to see your child experiencing such angst and anxiety but it is very important to remember that children want to do well.  Read my previous post, summarizing a workshop with Ross Greene who created the excellent quote:

“Children do well if they can, not children do well if they want to!”

 

As parents, it’s important to remain calm or your child’s anxiety will rise.  Your connection to your child is your best way of influencing your child and if you are yelling at your child or shaming him/her for not being able to go places or try new things, your child’s defences will harden and thicken and this will negatively impact your relationship.

If your child was sick with Mononucleosis and had to stay home and rest for a few weeks, you would be kind and supportive.  Anxiety is a form of mental illness and your child is not choosing to be this way on purpose.  Your child needs your help and support.

To receive my free ebook, 8 Common Mistakes to Avoid When My Child Is Anxious, click here.

Warmly,

PS.  Unfortunately, there was a power outage at Canyon Heights School last Thursday and the presentation I was supposed to give on Understanding Anxiety and Anxiety Management Strategies had to be cancelled.  As soon as we’ve planned the new date, I will post it on the home page of my website