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What Is the Most Significant Predictor of Success?

At one time, people would have said I.Q. but through a lot of different research studies, the answer is now clear: GRIT.

Angela Lee Duckworth, in her famous Ted Talk, defines grit as “passion and perseverance for long term goals”.   She said the most successful people work hard as though they are running a marathon not a sprint.  She said the most successful people have a “Growth Mindset” versus a “Fixed Mindset”.  These are the people who don’t give up when adversity strikes.

What if Your Child Doesn’t Have Grit and Has A Fixed Mindset?

If your child, is age 10-14 years, Carol Dweck, author of Mindsetrecommends Brainology – a computer-based online education program with four units that teaches kids all about their brains and the power of a “Growth Mindset”. The program starts with a ten minute introduction and then each unit is 30-45 minutes long with additional activities and worksheets.  Each unit is intended to be covered week by week.  I signed up for the trial introduction to learn more about the program and I think it looks great.  I really want to buy it for my 12 year old and 10 year old.  The program can be bought for home use and it is designed to be used in classrooms too, which would be amazing to see happen.

Why Is Emotional Resilience or Grit So Important?

Dr. Leonard Sax sites research showing that first year students in post-secondary schools across North America are experiencing record high drop-out rates, and very sadly, high suicide rates too.  According to Sax, through the internet and social media, children are becoming more reliant on each other and websites for finding direction in their lives versus their parents.

He believes that parents have lost their “Alpha” position in parenting and therefore the children who are becoming young adults are lost.

Many parents are afraid of seeming too dictatorial, and end up abdicating their authority rather than taking a stand with their own children. If kids refuse to eat anything green and demand pizza instead, some parents give in, inadvertently raising children who are more likely to become obese. If children are given smartphones and allowed to spend the bulk of their free time texting, playing video games, and surfing the Internet, they become increasingly reliant on peers and the media for guidance on how to live, rather than looking to their parents…. In short, Sax argues, parents are failing to prioritize the parent-child relationship above all other relationships. The result is children who have no absolute standard of right and wrong, who lack discipline, and who look to their peers and the Internet for direction, instead of looking to their parents.

~ The Collapse of Parenting, Dr. Leonard Sax

What Can We Do (According to Dr. Leonard Sax)?

• Think resiliency not sympathy. For example, if your child tells you that he/she hasn’t been invited to a birthday party, say “Ok, so you’re free on Saturday afternoon, let’s explore that new bike trail we’ve been talking about” vs. “Oh honey, you must feel so awful, I feel so sorry for you.”
• Allow your children to experience failure. You can be supportive as they feel the failure but don’t rescue. Allow them to feel the unpleasant thoughts and feelings in order that they figure out how they’re going to problem-solve.
• Virtues much more important to teach, than getting straight A’s.
• Educate our kids about social media. Explain that social media sites such as Facebook and Instagram only highlight a very carefully selected slice of one’s life – no-one is really that happy or that beautiful all the time. It’s a show. It’s a public performance.
• Encourage the “old-fashioned” method of writing in a diary or digital journaling as a private and authentic way to sort out feelings and process experiences.
• Enforce daily limits on social media sites, and there’s no “roll-overs” if you miss a day.
• Enforce daily limits on gaming. Dr. Sax recommends <40mins/day on school nights and <1 hr./day on weekends (again, there are no “roll-overs”).
• Find other hobbies, besides gaming, for boys in particular, to develop expertise (video games shift motivation to a virtual world).
• Discuss the meaning of life, and don’t say “to get a good job” or “to make lots of money”. Ideas from a headmaster at a school in Sydney… The meaning of life is to find meaningful work, to find a cause to embrace and a person to love.
• Before your child goes for a playdate, check with the other parent that there will be parental supervision for screens and no M rated video games. If your child is addicted, request abstinence from screens and practice abstinence at home too.
• Create a neighbourhood community where everyone looks out for each others’ kids – if you don’t live in one, create one!
• Work with your child’s school not against it.
• Go on non-wifi family vacations and without the “best-friend” .
• Have your teen get a summer job (and not a prestigious summer job) such as a restaurant job where they experience grumpy customers etc.

I think he has some great recommendations, but I also believe that our parenting culture has changed, and parenting as a “dictator”, also has a lot of repercussions.  We do need to be “Alpha” parents, but we can do that while still letting our children have a voice that is heard.  I also think that his recommendations might work well with children pre-adolescence, but with a teenager, it’s going to be a lot more difficult to enforce limits such as social media viewing when WIFI is all around us.

To help you have a deeper understanding of this important topic, I’ve created a mini two-part video training on Developing Emotional Resilience in Children, which is one of the most popular talks I give to parent groups.  To receive this free training, please click here.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic on Twitter or on my Facebook Page,

Have a wonderful week,

Warmly,

 

PS. My next round of “Brain Science” groups to teach boys and girls about anxiety and anxiety management strategies will start again on January 28th, 2016. The Winter 7-9yrs. group is full but there are still 2 spaces in the 10-12 yrs. group. For more information, and to register online, please click here.  (We’ve also just added registration for the Spring Anxiety group and there’s only 2 spaces left in the 7-9 years group.)

PPS. Registration has also just opened up for my next round of Self-Empowerment groups for 7-9 year olds and 10-12 year olds. These groups will start on Thursday March 31st and will run for six Thursdays. To find out more information and to register please click here.

 Free Video On Developing Emotional Resilience