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How to Solicit Good Intentions?

We often focus so much on behaviour that we forget how powerful it can be to focus on what is behind the behaviour to tap into motivation.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, co-author of the excellent book:  Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter, states:

“Our objective, whenever possible, should be to solicit good intentions in the child….Our next challenge is using our influence to coax the child to aim in the right direction – or at least in a direction incompatible with trouble.”  (p. 286)

For younger children, Dr. Neufeld, uses the analogy of “driving” a car as part of a ride at an amusement park.  The child has his/her hands on the wheel and thinks he/she’s driving but ultimately the parent is in charge. 

For example, the parent could solicit good intentions when asking a child to help with washing the car by saying: 

“Last time we washed the car together, you were a great help at getting to really low spots under the car with the hose.  You found dirty spots that I couldn’t even see.  Would you be ready to help me with that again in a few minutes?”

For older children, Dr. Gordon Neufeld recommends sharing your values or “Finding within them the seeds of your values” (p. 287) to solicit good intentions.

For example, “When I’m upset I try to use my words and express my feelings, instead of screaming or saying mean words.  I think you’re old enough to try this, can I count on you, to try saying “I feel……”, instead of screaming at us?

Adding the words, “Can I count on you?” is another powerful way to solicit good intentions.

As Dr. Neufeld says, soliciting a good intention doesn’t always work or necessarily work immediately but it does plant the seeds and sets the compass in the direction of which way to aim. 

Our Thoughts Create Our Reality

To solicit good intentions also connects to planting seeds in another powerful way. 

If we give our kids or teens a message that we think they’re “hopeless” in some way or “unmanageable” in some way, they start to internalize this and think, “Well if my parents think I’m bad, I might as well be bad.” 

Whereas, if we continue to plant seeds of positivity and encouragement, then our kids and teens internalize these thoughts too.  When we say to our teens, “I believe in you to make healthy choices”, this will remain in their mind when they are in tempting situations involving negative choices. 

Dr. Gordon Neufeld also reminds us that this powerful practice of “Soliciting good intentions” is most effective when we have a strong attachment relationship with our child.  The closer our child feels to us, the more he/she wants to follow our lead and be someone that we can count on. 

“A child may not know what direction he/she is going, but when he/she is attached to you, he/she doesn’t feel lost.” 

 ~ Dr. Gordon Neufeld

Our level of connection with our child also taps into their motivation level.  Kids and teens feel more motivated when they feel more connected to us.  We are their primary attachment and they need to feel a very secure base to then have lift-off to engage in other activities and tasks.

For further reading on articles that I’ve written which focus on attachment, you may wish to read:

Strengthening the Bond with Your Child Through the Six Stages of Attachment

The Stages of Attachment and Brené Brown’s TED Talk on the Power of Vulnerability

Maturity – How Thoughts, Impulses and Feelings Mature

All the best for a great week and consciously noticing how you can use your words to solicit good intentions with your kids,

 

Warmly,

PS.  Registration is now open for my next round Brain Science Groups to teach children about anxiety and how to manage it – for 7-9 year olds and 10-12 year olds.    For more information and to register, please phone Hailey at the ABLE Clinic in W. Vancouver at 604-922-3450.

PPS.  Does your child show signs of worrying and/or anxiety?  My children’s book: Surfing the Worry Imp’s Wave is designed for children ages 5-10 year olds and their parents/counsellors/educators to support them in understanding proactive strategies for managing anxiety.  This book is available for purchase at all three of the ABLE Clinics (W. Vancouver, Richmond, Surrey) and by scrolling up and clicking on the image in the right hand margin of this page.