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This is the third and final article in this mini-series on building self-esteem.

In the last two articles, I’ve discussed the importance of security and identity, as identified by Dr. Michele Borba.

According to Dr. Michele Borba, the final three keys to building self-esteem are affiliation, mission and competence.

What Does Affiliation, Mission and Competence Mean and How do I Apply It?

Affiliation is in line with the idea of having a sense of belonging, as described by the well-known psycho-therapist and medical doctor, Alfred Adler.

When we experience a sense of belonging, we feel accepted within a group.  (A group doesn’t have to be large; a group could be two or three people.)

We can often find affiliations through similar interests.  For children, they can sometimes find their like-minded relationships through sports, drama, fine arts (such as dance, band, choir), cub scouts, and school clubs.

Nowadays, many people seek out online communities to create this important sense of belonging, but unfortunately this is not always healthy, especially when it comes to social media platforms/popularity contests.

This key to self-esteem also connects to security, as we feel happier when we have a sense of belonging within our own family.

Sometimes, our children may have difficulties making and keeping friends, and then we have to try to create positive situations such as structured play-dates (baking, making a craft, playing a game etc.) to help set them up for success.

The Fourth Key to Self-Esteem Is Called Mission

When we think of mission, we might think of a mission statement, as many schools, school districts and companies now have mission statements.

Mission statements state an intent and one or more goals.  By creating a mission statement, this also creates accountability and responsibility to find a way to carry out the goals.  Mission statements often state measurable goals, in order that one can see progress, regression or stagnation.

When our children have goals that are meaningful to them (not to our own projected idealistic goals), they feel good when they see themselves getting closer to their goals.

When they come across obstacles, we can support them, by helping them brainstorm other options, not by solving their problems for them.

The Fifth Key to Self-Esteem Is Competence

When we feel competent, we have experienced a sense of mastery and independence.

In today’s society, this area seems to be the most challenging area for parents to develop, due to the phenomenon of over-parenting or helicopter parenting.

In some cases, children are not given age-appropriate tasks to master.  In some other cases, children are pushed and pressured to become superstars in a select activity.  They may become masters in martial arts, sports, dance, fine arts, musical instruments, academic subjects, but if this select activity is not the children’s passion, then it is not going to be such an influential key in building self-esteem.

How often as parents do we do things for our children that they can do for themselves?

How often do our children beg to be allowed to try for themselves and have us as parents do it for them because it’s quicker and easier?

How often do our children ask for some independence and we say “no” out of fear? (Remember when we were allowed to play in the neighbourhood all day, without our parents knowing our every move?)

We might think that our child’s self-esteem is going to lifted for making it onto an elite sports team, when in reality, this child may experience much greater feelings of mastery by going away to a sleep-away summer camp for a week.

Our children need to have opportunities to make mistakes, in order that they learn how handle themselves and be resilient.

Our children need to uncover their weaknesses and their strengths, and realize that no-one is perfect despite what they might observe with people who appear to be perfect.

What About Praising My Child?

Did you notice that the idea of praising your child for building self-esteem has not been mentioned in any one of these three articles on building self-esteem?

The idea of praising children has actually been proven, by research, (For more information, read Mindset by Carol Dweck) to decrease a child’s motivation to try new things or work on challenges.  For more information on the difference between encouragement vs. praise click here.

Here’s to raising children who can feel confident through a strong sense of family security, personal identity, sense of belonging, goal directed behaviour and sense of mastery.

Warmly,

PS.  Registration is now open for my next round of Brain Science groups for teaching boys and girls (ages 7-9yrs. and 10-12 yrs.) about anxiety and anxiety management skills.  The next groups will start on Thursday, September 25th.  For more information and to register online, please click here and go to “upcoming events/groups”. and scroll down.  *There is currently only one space left in the 7-9 year old group.

PPS.  My lovely colleague, Andrea Sharpe, will be running a fun and supportive group for children (ages 7-12 yrs.) who have a sibling with special needs.  For more information and to register online, please click here and go to “upcoming events/groups” and scroll down.

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