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One of the many rewards of my job, is seeing parents have “Aha” moments about their children.  Last week, a Mom, who I see on a regular basis, had one of those golden moments, in regards to her son’s frustration tolerance!  I asked her if I could blog about it, without revealing names, and she kindly gave me permission.

Filial Play Therapy and Frustration Tolerance

Our sessions are different from a lot of the parenting sessions I do with other parents, because this mom has been very keen to engage in Filial Therapy, also known as Child-Parent Relationship Therapy.  What this means is that I teach her, in my counselling office, how to conduct play therapy sessions with her child at home.

Once/week for thirty minutes, she sets up a room in her house, as the play therapy area, and she facilitates a play therapy session with her five year old son.  She records the sessions on her smart phone and then I give her coaching in our counselling sessions.

This Mom’s “Aha” Moment

Her son, who I will call Tom, is a highly sensitive boy who gets a lot of big feelings.  In the past, Tom’s Mom, who I will call, Hilary, has always tried to step in and decrease Tom’s frustrations before they became too big.

Through the process of Filial Play Therapy, Hilary realized that in the past she has always jumped in when she could see that Tom was experiencing frustration, in hopes of diffusing the frustration before it got too big.  However, this wasn’t always helpful and would sometimes result in really BIG feelings!

One of the core principles of play therapy is to “Never do for a child, what a child can do for him/herself” (Rudolph Dreikurs).  In a play therapy session, this means that if a child is struggling to do something…

• You allow the child to struggle (while still being supportive, by tracking the play and reflecting the feelings)
• You don’t give suggestions as to how the child could do the task more easily
• You don’t ask the child questions
• You don’t demonstrate how to do the task
• You don’t impose your own ideas on the child

Sometimes, you might spend the whole 30 minutes, just being with your child, as he/she struggles along.

This can be very uncomfortable to watch, but it is also very beneficial for the child.

How often do we, as parents, jump in and starting teaching or doing the task for the child?

In play therapy, one truly learns the skill of attuning to your child.

In play therapy, one is not allowed to teach nor ask questions!  When you consciously make the intention to not ask questions for a set period of time, you suddenly become aware of how often you do ask questions in day-to-day life!

In this mom’s case, she became acutely aware of how she usually jumps in, when she can see her son is struggling, in hopes of preventing a melt-down.  She also realized through the filial play therapy, that when she sits back and allows her child to struggle,  he doesn’t blow up.  He patiently perseveres and keeps working toward his end goal.

The “Aha” moment…  

If she doesn’t allow him to experience frustration and work through it himself, then how will he learn?

By having to be patient, remain attuned (comment on his play with non-judgmental words, and reflect his feelings) and let him lead the way in their play therapy sessions, this Mom has realized that this is what supports him the most in developing his resilience, sense of capability, and self-regulation skills.  This experience has been a gift for both of them.

The Story of the Butterfly

You may have heard of the story of the butterfly.  There was once a man watching a caterpillar inside a cocoon who was trying to get out and become a beautiful butterfly.  The man watched and watched, until he couldn’t stand to see the caterpillar struggle anymore, and so he slit open the cocoon, for the butterfly.  The butterfly was then able to easily leave the cocoon but was never able to be strong enough to fly.  Nature has a plan for caterpillars to become butterflies, with beautiful strong wings, and this entails the struggle of working their own way out of their cocoon..developing their frustration tolerance.

What About Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s Theory of “Create Dependence”?

I absolutely agree that there is a place for this too!  When our children feel dependent on us, then we know that we are their primary attachment and this is our goal.  A couple of months ago, I wrote an article on How Much to Hold On and How Much to Let Go and how to reconcile the Adlerian principle of “Never do for a child what a child can do for him/herself” (Rudolph Dreikurs) with Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s Attachment Theory on “Creating Dependency”.  To read that article click here.  

In addition, to the suggestions I gave in that article, I would also add that when our children are experiencing a lot of distress – perhaps they are feeling sick, or they are really nervous about an oral presentation at school, then their attachment instincts will be even stronger and their brain will be on high alert.  In these times, we also need to let go of the idea of them doing everything for themselves.  They need extra tender loving care in these times, and if that means helping them get dressed (even though you know they can) or making their lunch for them (even though you know they can) or walking to school with them (even though they usually walk to school independently) then that is okay.  They also do need to know that they can depend on us, especially when they are stressed.

Have fun over Spring break, noticing how much you let your child figure things out on his/her own, or how often you get into teaching mode!

Enjoy your time with your families,

Warmly,

PS.  Registration for my next round of Self-Empowerment group is full.  Registration is open for my next round of “Brain Science” groups where I teach children about anxiety and how to manage it.  There is one space available in the 10-12 yrs. group.  The 7-9 year old group is full.  For more information and to register online, please click here.

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