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Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author of The Conscious Parent and The Awakened Family, offers this powerful strategy as an antidote for handling our children’s BIG emotions.

She reminds us that nature balances itself through the opposites.  For example, dark and light, hot and cold, life and death.

However, in parenting, it is often our natural instinct to match our child’s energy.

Our child gets angry – we get angry.

Our child says rude words – we reply by being “lippy”.

Our child gets anxious – we get anxious.

Our child is frustrated – we get frustrated

Our child has a meltdown – we have a meltdown.

Do you recognize this pattern of responding to BIG emotions?

What if we were to take our guidance from nature, and instead of fuelling the child’s behaviour with our own intense reaction, we  did the opposite?

This antidote would create more balance.

If we could provide the opposite energy, we would not need to go head-to-head, we would not need to prove in that moment that we are “right”, we would be able to provide an emotional container for our children’s energy, which would allow them the space and security to process their feelings, really feel their feelings and calm down.

In counsellor training, we are taught about the “therapeutic container” – this means that the counselling room and the counsellor-client relationship feels safe and trustworthy, in order that one can be vulnerable and share one’s thoughts and feelings.

If I had a teenager in my counselling room who was angry and raising their voice about an incident that had happened, imagine what would happen if I yelled right back at them?  This would not be very effective.

The therapeutic response would be to reply calmly and validate their feelings.  (Remember that validating does not mean agreeing, it means reflecting what you hear.  For example,  “You’re really mad because…”)

How can we apply that idea of being a therapeutic container to our children’s emotions?

• By responding to them with the antidote energy
• By validating their feelings
• By allowing them to feel their feelings vs. dismissing them
• By staying in the present, being mindful and letting go of judgment (For example, being able to think to oneself, my child is having a really hard time right now vs. my child should not be behaving in this way)

I like to think of the ocean as a symbol for our emotions.

Sometimes the seas are rough, sometimes they’re wavy and sometimes they’re calm.

However, deep down in the ocean it is always calm and peaceful and deep down within all of us there is a place of calm and peace which we can access when we’re distressed.

If we can think of our children’s BIG emotions as the stormy seas, and then take deep breaths to access the peaceful energy at the bottom of the ocean – our quiet place, we will be able to respond with the natural antidote of calm energy.

I love Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s poem about the opposite energies and how we can see them as gifts…

The Gift

May you be blessed with a child…

Who defies you

So you learn to release control,

With one who doesn’t listen

So you learn to tune in,

With one who loves to procrastinate

So you learn the beauty of stillness,

With one who forgets things

So you learn to let go of attachments,

With one who is extra-sensitive

So you learn to be grounded,

With one who is inattentive

So you learn to be focused,

With one who dares to rebel

So you learn to think outside of the box,

With one who feels afraid

So you learn to trust the universe.

May you be blessed with a child…

Who teaches you

That it is never about them 

And all about you.

~ Dr. Shefali Tsabary, The Awakened Family, p 175-176

May you have a wonderful week, practicing being the antidote to your child’s BIG emotions,

Warmly,

P.S. Registration is now open for my next round of In-person and Online Brain Science Groups – Anxiety management groups for children ages 7-9yrs. and 10-12yrs.  For more information and to register, please click here.