Have you ever experienced your child project their distressed feelings on to you?
This is a very common unconscious method of trying to manage emotions.
In psychology, it is called “Externalization” and in the excellent book, Untangled
However, it is very difficult to recognize externalization, as it is happening!
What does this transfer of a hot potato of emotions (Lisa Damour’s metaphor) look like?
What Should I Do When My Child Projects Feelings?
Think of a scenario, such as your child failing a math test. He may have stressed about it all day and then in the evening, nonchalantly, mention that he failed a test but doesn’t really care. Meanwhile, you ask to see the test and at the sight of 15/60 your heart races. Your mind spins and you wonder what has happened. Math was always his strongest subject and now he is failing.
How could he not care about this?
You try to problem-solve with him but you are met with resistance. You then email the teacher and find out that he has already discussed the test with the teacher and they have made a plan for a re-test!
You wonder why your child didn’t share this with you?
Your child’s goal was not to have you help solve the problem, your child was wanting to transfer this “hot potato” of uncomfortable emotions over to you so he could be freed from them! As an unconditionally loving parent, this is sometimes a role that comes with parenting.
Another example…
Your child doesn’t get invited to a birthday party even though almost the whole class has been invited. Your daughter drops this news into a dinner conversation and you are shocked as the birthday child used to be one of your daughter’s best friends. She acts like she doesn’t care but you are really concerned and wonder what could have happened.
You phone the parent of the birthday party host and ask why your child wasn’t invited. The parent explains that your child had been making fun of the theme of the party and so your child didn’t get invited. This creates an awkward moment and you apologize for your daughter and end the conversation.
You now realize that your daughter does know why she didn’t get invited and by trying to act nonchalant about it, you took the bait and the emotional distress was transferred from her to you.
In our world of texting, this can happen too.
You receive a distressing text that your daughter, who’s away at university, feels sad and lonely because her boyfriend broke up with her. You try to text and call back with no reply. You lay awake worrying all night…
In the morning, you talk to your daughter and find out that she went out with a group of girlfriends last night and had a really fun evening which took her mind off things. Meanwhile, you had been laying awake worrying all night!
She dumped her emotions and projected them on to you via text, and then felt more free to mobilize and connect with friends.
What To Do After A Projection of Feelings?
Explaining to your kids how much worry they caused you will probably not help. This is an unconscious way of dealing with their uncomfortable emotions.
As parents, we need to try to recognize our role as the container for distressing emotions and give yourself the 24 hour rule to see how things unfold.
As parents, we need to stick to the saying “Feelings first, Logics last”.
We can empathize and reflect their feelings back to them and then do nothing.
Let some time pass and see if they ask for your help to solve a problem or if the problem works itself out. Especially, during adolescence our children may have their solution all figured out, and getting involved could seem intrusive and helicopter-like.
If possible, we need to recognize that this a transfer of a “hot potato” of emotions and we are just the keeper of the uncomfortable feelings. This is a child’s coping mechanism.
By believing that our children are equipped to handle their problems, we harness our own anxiety.
We need to give the positive and much needed message of capability to our children.
“I believe in you!” “I know you can work things out.”
Warmly,
PS. If you purchase the book, Untangled
PPS. Registration for my upcoming “Self-Empowerment” groups to teach children ages 7-9rs. and 10-12 yrs. about social dynamics, self-worth, assertiveness skills, self-regulation and more is now open. You can find out more and register here.
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