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In Julie Lythcott-Haims’ excellent book, How to Raise An Adult and Break Free from the Over-parenting Trap, she discusses her observations, as a former Dean of Stanford University.  Her number one concern was the amount of students who were so dependent on their parents that they didn’t know how to take responsibility for themselves…

Are You Teaching Your Child to Be Responsible?

As our children mature, we need to train them to take on more responsibilities, so that they can be well-prepared to leave home as independent young adults.  How often do you hear kindergarten teachers asking parents to let children carry their own bags and hang them up on their hook by themselves?

Nowadays, the pendulum has swung too far in aspiring to have happy kids!  We want our children to feel connected and supported by us, however, we may jump in too fast to solve their problems or rescue them from distress.  This may work in the short-term but in the long-term, how can our children learn to solve problems or handle distress when they’re older, if they’ve never had a chance when they’re young and living under our roof?

Here’s A Quiz to See If You’re Children Are Learning to Be Responsible for Themselves…

“Whose Responsibility Is it?”

1. Child forgets to do homework…
2. Child really wants to wear his/her favourite shirt for school the next day, but it needs to go in the wash…
3. Getting sports gear ready for extra-curricular sports team…
4. Teen texting through the night hours…
5. Waking up for school in the morning…
6. Parents arguing…
7. Overdue library books and the accompanying fine…
8. Entering all of one’s extra-curricular activities/dates etc. into the family digital calendar (Google calendar, Cozi etc.)…
9. Writing out post-dated cheques for music lessons….     (of course, parents are still signing the cheques)
10. Filling out post-secondary and job application forms…
11. Making lunch for school/Forgot to take lunch to school…
12. Cleaning one’s bedroom…
13. Getting to a destination (which is accessible by bus)…
14. Packing a suitcase…
15. Failed test…
16. Lost hoodie
17. Asking parents to sign school forms…
18. Homework…
19. Argument with friend…
20. Parent yells at child…

Let’s Discuss…Whose Responsibility Is It?

For all of these scenarios, age and stage of development will determine your final answer.

Let’s take a look at each scenario as if it was a 6 year old child and as if it was a tween/teen.

• Forgetting to do homework – For a 6 year old who may have a home-reading program,  the parent usually sets up the time to listen to the child read.  For the tween/teen, it is up to him/her to email his/her teacher or go into school early in the morning and take responsibility

• Laundry – For a 6 year old, you will still be doing your child’s laundry, but for a tween/teen it’s time to start training your child to do his/her own laundry – even if they are not doing every single week, they should be doing it regularly

• Getting sports gear ready – You can start training a 6 year old, so that by the tween/teens, your kids are in the habit of getting all their gear ready

• Night-time texting – I see this is as the tween/teen’s responsibility and the parent’s.  As parents, it is our responsibility to have limits on night-time use for devices and follow-through

• Morning wake-up – Your 6 year old can start to use an alarm clock and have the joy of you waking him/her up. Your tween/teen may need some parental follow-up but should be using an alarm clock on a consistent basis

• Parents arguing – Children may feel it’s their fault, but parents always need to take responsibility for this one

• Overdue library books/fine –  It’s good practice to teach your 6 year old to put the due date for library books on the calendar and for tweens/teens, it is their responsibility to renew or return their books or pay the fine

• Scheduling activities – This is a great job for your tween/teen.  Our tweens and teens are tech savvy so this is a great responsibility for them and teaches them how to manage a schedule

• Writing out post-dated cheques – Another great job for our tween/teen – knowing how to write a cheque is still a necessary job and it’s great practice for them to write out all the cheques for the music teacher (with you doing the final signature)

• Application forms – In Julie’s book, How to Raise An Adult, she discusses how many parents fill out the university application forms for their kids!  This task belongs to your child – they’ve put in the years of getting to grade 12 and now they need to be the ones to take responsibility for filling out forms for post-secondary institutions or job applications

• Making lunch/Forgotten lunch – For the younger ones, they still need our help, but the tweens and teens should be making, or at least helping make their lunch and putting it in their bag!  If they forget, they’ll find a way to share food with a friend, or elementary schools usually have a few snacks on hand for students who forgot their lunch and high schools usually have a cafeteria

• Cleaning one’s bedroom – Younger ones will need you to help them and this is good training for the tween/teen years, when your older child will determine the state of his/her room

• Transport – Of course, we still need to drive our younger ones but for the tweens and teens it is a valuable lesson in responsibility and independence to have them take the bus (where possible)

• Packing a suitcase – Once your child is old enough to read, you can create a list together of all the items your child should pack – good training for the tween/teen who should be packing their own suitcases

• Failed test –  A 6 yr. old who fails a spelling test is going to need parental support and a tween/teen may need parental support to help him/her study for the re-test too (a parent can help a tween/teen study by asking questions about the notes or helping explain the math questions that were wrong).  However, it’s the tween/teen’s responsibility to ask the teacher for a re-test or ask the teacher for some extra help on a confusing concept

• Lost hoodie – We all lose things and it’s important as parents that we don’t rescue by going right out and buying the exact same hoodie

• Forms in the backpack – We need to train our younger ones to go through his/her backpack at night so that by the tweens/teens, he/she is remembering to bring them our on his/her own

• Homework – Kids of all ages may need support with homework but it’s important not to do the homework for the child.  Nowadays, tweens and teens can email their teachers for clarification if they’re confused about the requirements

• Conflict amongst friends – Your child needs to work this out on his/her own, without parental involvement

• Parent yelling at a child – The parent needs to take responsibility and apologize to the child for raising his/her voice (it doesn’t mean you didn’t have a right to be frustrated or mad, but it’s not okay to respond with yelling, and an apology from a parent goes a long way in teaching kids about taking responsibility for one’s actions)

Take-Action Tip for this week:  Write out a list of responsibilities you want your child to accomplish before he/she leaves home and mark off which ones you can start working on now…

I’d love to hear your ideas, please head over to my Facebook page and make a comment on other responsibilities that you are teaching your child, that we could all benefit from 🙂

Have a wonderful week,

Warmly,

PS.  Registration is now open for my next round of self-empowerment groups for boys and girls ages 7-9yrs and 10-12yrs.  To register online and for more information, please go to the ABLE website and click on upcoming events/groups.

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