Blog

Does Your Child’s “Attention Cup” Need Filling?

Whether it be at work or in your family we’ve all had the feeling of being figuratively pulled in many directions.

Children know that pulling is one way of literally getting our attention. Beneath the behaviour there is always a message being communicated, and in the case of attention seeking behaviour, the message is “I need connection”.

If we are feeling annoyed, irritated, worried or guilty, chances are our child is looking for attention and wants to be involved with us.

Our thoughts create our feelings, thus it is much more beneficial to re-frame the thought from “My child is so attention-seeking” to “My child is needing a greater sense of connection”.

Understanding that our child is not trying to be annoying, helps us to empathize and understand this human dynamic.

Children often have unconscious mistaken beliefs, in this case the child believes “I am only important when I’m getting attention”.

We know that our children are valued all the time, not just when we’re paying attention to them and we have to help them internalize this healthier belief.

For more information on the The Four Goals of Misbehaviour see: Dreikurs, R. (1947). The four goals of the maladjusted child. Nervous Child, 6, 321-328.

How do I address the negative attention seeking behaviour?

• Ignore negative behaviours – this is true, but often people mistake this advice as ignore the child.  These are two very different concepts – it’s essential to separate the child from the behaviour.  If one ignores the child (stonewalling), the child will feel even more disconnected and ramp up the level of negative attention seeking behaviour or move into power, revenge or giving up.

Imagine how a child would feel, if they are trying to connect, and the response from the parent is walking away as if the child doesn’t exist.

The child would believe that the parent was thinking “You are a pain, I wish you weren’t here so I’m going to ignore you and make you pay for this behaviour.”

This is extremely punitive and reinforces to the child that they are not significant, don’t belong and thus their emotions are not important.

The solution is to ignore the negative behaviour yet immediately engage with the child in a more positive way.

• Re-direct or Distract – If the child is engaging in dangerous negative attention seeking behaviours, it is most effective to not say a word and guide the child towards safer behaviour.  For example, if a child is jumping on the furniture, walk over (without speaking) guide them down and find another activity where you can be involved with them
• Remember that the hidden message is a call for positive connection, and you can give it by creating a distraction from the misbehaviour towards something more positive.  Distraction is one strategy and re-direction is another.  Re-direction means showing the child the appropriate way to continue doing what they were doing.  For example, watering the plants vs. watering the lawn furniture.

• Sometimes allowing natural consequences to set in can correct misbehaviour:  If I don’t get all the soap off my hands, my hands will feel funny and my food won’t taste right.  

• Sometimes logical consequences are needed but these need to be stated ahead of time.  For example, if you walk with your own grocery cart that will work, but if you race around the store with it, it will have to be returned.

How can I help my child feel more connected without giving constant attention?

• Teach independence – they may need training on how to do something but once they’ve learned, you can say “That’s it – you can do it and that’s your job!”  When they ask for your help with this job again, connect with them but ensure that they do their job and experience the feeling of competence.

• Encourage daily independent play-time.  Transition nap time to independent play-time.  No need to turn on the screens, use this 30-45 minutes as their creative play/reading time.

• 5:1 – positives to negatives – keep track, how many positive comments do you say for every negative comment?

• 1:1 connection time – How do we stay close to our spouse? friends? children?  We need to spend playful time together and show that we care. Some ideas…  book a 1:1 date with your child and put it on the calendar, create family rituals, show affection, write them love notes, tell them stories about when they were babies, look at baby photos together, ask their opinions, do chores together in a fun way, read books aloud, listen more, invite them to talk about their feelings, anticipate their needs, attune to them when they talk to you and greet you, follow-up on asking about important events in their lives, go on walks together, ask them to explain things, involve them in the planning of family outings (see family meetings) etc.