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We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch.  Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit

~ e.e.cummings

The Importance of the Parent-Child Relationship

Our interpersonal relationships with our children directly affect the development of their brains, and in order for us to give them the best chance possible of growing up as confident, secure, resilient, emotionally balanced, thriving human beings, we need to gain a deeper understanding of our own life-stories.  Parenting from the Inside Out provides this opportunity.

Last week I wrote about Mindfulness which is also at the heart of parenting.  When we are being mindful we are present and therefore able to attune to our emotions and our children’s.  Children know when we are truly present and feel valued when there is this connection.  They learn how to fully experience themselves in our connected presence.  When we are focussed on the past or worried about the future, we are unable to be in the present with our children.  Of course this happens sometimes, but it is important to make it a goal to be present with your child as much as possible.

Children know when we are physically present but mentally detached.  We need to have purposeful interactions with our children.  Through their emotional relationship to us, they gain a greater understanding of themselves and how to relate to others in the world.  They will also seek out further attachment when they are sick, distressed or hurt.

The ABC’s of Attachment

Attachment involves attuning to your child.  Your child may evoke certain negative emotions within you, but it is imperative that you learn to take the “high road” and attune with your child.  Emotionally connect with your child, show empathy, and demonstrate an understanding of his/her feelings.  Being emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, ambivalent or enraged with your child occasionally will not permanently damage your attachment relationship, as long as the majority of the time you provide a secure, stable interpersonal relationship.  This is difficult to do and Parenting from the Inside Out will guide you through the process.

A = Attunement: Aligning your own internal state with those of your children. Often accomplished by the contingent sharing of nonverbal signals. 

B = Balance: Your children attain balance of their body, emotions, and states of mind through attunement to you.

C = Coherence: The sense of integration that is acquired by your children through your relationship with them in which they are able to come to feel both internally integrated and interpersonally connected to others.  (p. 103 Parenting from the Inside Out, D. Siegel)

Happy Conscious Connecting!

Warmly,