Last Friday, three child psychologists (from BC Children’s Hospital) and I presented at an all day Anxiety Workshop for professionals, titled: Working With Anxious Children and Youth: Building Your Tool Box. We each spoke for a quarter of the day, which gave me the excellent opportunity to hear the other presentations as well. Although, we all spoke on different aspects of anxiety treatment, the one theme that was recurring, was the importance of treatment (counselling) in taking back one’s power from the anxiety. Whether it be selective mutism, social anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, phobias, separation anxiety or generalized anxiety, we have to recognize that whilst acquiescing to the anxiety may create short-term relief for everyone, it also allows the anxiety to grow and become more detrimental in the long term.
Who’s the Captain of the Boat?
If we think of the analogy of a boat in the ocean, we know that we count on the captain to guide us and steer us when the waves get choppy. If the captain was to suddenly announce that he/she was going to let nature take its course, and no longer be our captain, we would feel panicked being left to the stormy elements of wind, rain and choppy waves. When we start to plan and rearrange our lives around anxiety, this is a definitive sign that anxiety is taking over. Our children need us to be in charge, no matter what!
Why Is Anxiety So Difficult to Manage?
Anxiety is a demon because it is so convincing! When we are filled with anxiety, we feel physically awful! We may have stomach aches, tightness in the chest/breathing, a feeling of a heavy weight on one’s chest, shaking, nausea, headache, sweating etc. Because we feel so distressed, we know that we want to do everything we can to AVOID having that feeling again. We start worrying about what could happen that could bring on these physically distressing symptoms again, and we do everything we can to minimize the anxiety returning, by avoiding. Unfortunately, the more we avoid, the more the anxiety takes charge. If anxiety is left untreated, then there’s a much greater chance of depression in the teen and adult years.
What Are The Signs That Anxiety Is Taking Charge of Your Child/Your Family?
- Refusal to try any new activities and go places
- Bossing you around and insisting that things have to be done in a certain way (rigidity)
- Avoidance of activities that were once manageable
- Continually seeking reassurance and asking multiple “What if?” questions
- Not wanting to leave your side, clingy
- Constant physical ailments – aches (stomachaches) and pains
- Melt-downs when you ask them to do something slightly out of their comfort zone
- Overly-dependent on you for things that were once manageable
- Your child needs every detail explained in advance and if anything should slightly change, he/she falls apart
- Allowing your child to swear/hit/kick etc. because it’s connected to anxiety (we have to support them with their big fearful emotions and help contain our children)
- Rigid perfectionism
Why Do Parents Often Help Kids Avoid?
- They’re not sure what else they should do
- It calms their child down and seems to work in the short term
- They want to protect their child from feeling so distressed, it’s very difficult to tolerate a child’s discomfort
Why Is Anxiety Counter-Intuitive?
Usually we listen to our body signals…
- Our stomach growls, this tells us we are hungry and we get some food
- Our teeth are chattering and we have goosebumps which tells us we are cold and we go inside
- We accidentally touch a hot stove, we feel pain and quickly withdraw our hand
With anxiety, it’s not based on a rational fear, and therefore we have to do the opposite of what we feel like doing. This is the ultimate goal but is very challenging. First, a child needs to develop an understanding of what is happening in his/her body and brain, then learn the new tools for his/her “toolbox” and then be ready, in small steps, to tolerate discomfort. Parents and children need to be on the same team vs. the worries. The universities are reporting that their students are increasingly anxious and less-able to handle any kind of distress. Therefore, we need to ensure that our children learn to problem-solve and tolerate discomfort, with the assistance of their supportive parents vs. being rescued by their well-meaning parents.
Let’s stop the worry cycle!
Warmly,
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