Blog

The Importance of Filling Yourself and Your Child with Positive Attention

Being a parent is rewarding and exhausting!  We all know that all areas of our lives are harder to handle when we are drained, particularly being a parent.  If you think of yourself as a big jug of juice and your child/children as the glasses that need filling, it’s easy to see why it’s so important to keep yourself topped up.

What happens when your child’s cup gets empty?

Children instinctively know that they need attention.  As Attachment Theory reminds us, the need to attach and thus receive attention is innate.  If children are unconsciously feeling low on attention, they will find a way to fill themselves up by using negative attention seeking behaviours.  One may think that children would rather have no attention vs. negative attention, but the truth is that their attachment needs are strong and if this is the only way to connect, they’d rather have negative attention than none at all.  (Having also worked in schools for many years as a counsellor, I have seen this pattern play out over and over again.)

What does negative attention seeking behaviour look like?

• sibling rivalry/peer conflict
• whining
• oppositional behaviour
• physical acting out
• mischief
• repeatedly asking questions
• rudeness
• giving up – sense of inadequacy
• constant interruptions        etc. etc.

How do you fill a child’s attention cup?

• 1:1 time – children love 1:1 time with each parent – make a date and write it on the calendar so they know they can count on it!
• Turn off the screens!  TV and video games drain children and become an easy substitute for quality time with a parent (children will also develop their own greater sense of creativity if there’s no screen time filling the gap). Read more on this topic from Dr. Shanker’s perspective (Canadian brain researcher).
• Morning routine – make it a goal to fill your child’s cup as soon as they wake up.  Give them hugs, ask them about their dreams – take a few minutes to connect.  I have very positive memories of going to my grandmother’s house and waking up to see the kitchen table all set with cereal, milk, toast, jam, juice etc.  Your child will feel nurtured right away to arrive at a set kitchen table and this will also help with the transition from waking up to getting ready for school.
• When they come home from school – connect!  Have a snack together – food is a great way to attach.  Be careful your child is not over-scheduled with activities or play-dates!  School is draining, children need time to fill-up again!  Dr. Adele Diamond (another brain researcher) states the importance of this.
• Find time to hang out!  Play board games, card games, read a story together, go for a walk or a bike ride.
• Bed-time routine – put your children to bed early so that  you can have lots of cuddle time, story time and talk-time.  Spend time with each child and if possible, have each parent take part in this important 1:1 time.  A child who fills up at bed-time will fall asleep more peacefully.
• Write your child a letter and put it in the mail – many children in our digital world have never received a letter!  Write one now – just in time for Valentines!
• Ask your children what they would like to do!  Read the book How Full is Your Bucket? with them and discuss ways to fill up each other’s buckets (a.k.a. attention cups)
• When in doubt – give them hugs!  The more the better and without them having to ask!  As Dr. Gordon Neufeld says, “Hug them until they are satiated!”

Have a satiated and joyful week with your family, and remember, just as children come in all shapes and sizes so do their attention cups!  Depending on their temperament, and place in the family, each child’s attention needs will be unique.  Next week I’ll focus on how to fill your “parent jug”!

Warmly,