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Last week I wrote about the meaning of Self-Regulation.  This week I’m focusing on the challenging task of getting ourselves to self-regulate, as children model what they see.  It’s quite fascinating that we expect our children to self-regulate, when even as adults, with much further developed brains, it’s a skill that for most, is very difficult to master.

 According to Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Vancouver-based developmental psychologist, a child’s pre-frontal cortex area of the brain, does not start to develop the ability to self-regulate until age 5-7yrs, and for more intense children, this estimation is closer to age 7 years.  Thus, this reinforces the importance of supporting our toddlers and pre-schoolers through their temper tantrums, as they are not cognitively capable of  more rational and higher-level problem-solving.

 In Dr. Laura Markham’s excellent new book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids:  How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, she divides her book into three important parts:  I. Regulating Yourself     II. Fostering Connection    III. Coaching, Not Controlling

Her quote:

Parenting isn’t about what our child does, but about how we respond.  In fact, most of what we call parenting doesn’t take place between a parent and a child, but within the parent.  When a storm brews, a parent’s response will either calm it or incite a full-scale tsunami.  Staying calm enough to respond to all that childish behavior – and the stormy emotions behind it – requires that we grow too.  If we can use those times when our buttons get pushed to reflect, not just react, we can notice when we lose equilibrium and steer ourselves back on track.  This inner growth is the hardest work there is, but it’s what enables you to become a more peaceful parent one day at a time…an adult’s peaceful presence has a more powerful influence on a child than yelling ever could…that’s what produces children who are emotionally regulated, respectful and responsible. (p. xx-xxi)

How to Manage Your Anger

• Remember that during anger, the higher level thinking part of your brain is hijacked and the emergency fight or flight response takes over
• Take a break, walk away, zip your lips, splash water on your face, shake out your hands
• Remind yourself that this is not an emergency – your brain is having a “false alarm”
• Change your thoughts so you can change your feelings – your child is not the enemy – your child is probably having a “false alarm” fight or flight moment too – he/she is defending him/herself like a wounded animal
• Don’t act on the anger, ask what message the anger is telling us?  It’s easy to express anger – it’s a surface emotion that creates a defense, which is why it’s so prevalent as “road rage”.  Dig a little deeper – is this more a physiological reaction to a lack of sleep, hunger, or stress? Dig even deeper to the more vulnerable emotions – is this is a reaction to feeling scared, worried, hurt, sad, shame, disappointed, guilty, jealous, embarrassed or feelings of helplessness or powerlessness?  Identify what emotion is beneath the anger
• Don’t express your anger to another person while you’re still angry,  it strengthens the emotion and validates it
• Wait until you’ve calmed down before you start disciplining
• Never spank, hit, squeeze, pinch, push etc. (this models that physical aggression is okay and breaks trust in your relationship with your child)
• Avoid threats  (threats made when angry are unreasonable and irrational)
• Calm your voice as quickly as possible and calmer feelings will follow
• Reflect on your anger, and use it as a teaching tool, if the same patterns continue, seek counseling
• Put yourself on “pause” and when you’ve calmed down, start over.  The wisest choice is to take a break until the neurochemicals that have been flooding your body, telling you to attack, have subsided
• If you’ve said harsh words or used a harsh tone, always repair (re-pair) and model how one restores relationships

 Dr. Laura’s 3 Minute Process to Shift Yourself from Upset to Peace: (p. 22-23)

 1)   First minute:  Silently ask yourself…What’s the thought that’s upsetting you?  This thought most likely comes from fear, the opposite of fear is love, so try to interpret the situation from love

2)   Second minute:  Realize there is always another side to the story.  Try to see the situation from your child’s perspective.  Consider how your upsetting thought makes you treat your child.  If you let go of that thought, how would you respond to your child?

3)   Third minute:  Help Your Body Release the Feelings (Tap the acupressure point on the side of your hand – the karate chop point) while you take deep breaths.  Say something similar to “Although I’m upset, I can calm myself and handle this situation”

Dr. Laura’s final advice:  Commit yourself.  Tell your family members that you’re committed to stopping yelling.  Although, Dr. Laura doesn’t advocate sticker charts for children, she does recommend one for adults – as we won’t learn the wrong lessons from them – and she recommends that the other family members, for example the children, be the ones to determine if the parent deserves the sticker each day for using a respectful voice.   She also recommends putting up signs in the house to remind oneself about this commitment:  “I will speak respectfully to my children”.

Lastly, I always find it is works well to look at the intention behind someone’s actions.  Usually there is another perspective, which has no intention to create a response of anger and touch on all the deeper feelings below the anger.  Remind yourself that it takes a lot more inner strength to remain calm and express feelings than to flip into anger.

 Wishing you a week of positive thoughts, thus positive emotions,

Warmly,

My 6 Top Apps for Creating More Calm for You and Your Children!