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What is the Difference between a Boss and a Leader?

Boss                                                                                          Leader

Drives Employees                                                                   Coaches them

Depends on authority                                                            Depends on goodwill

Inspires fear                                                                             Generates enthusiasm

Says “I”                                                                                       Says “We”

Places blame for the breakdown                                         Fixes the breakdown

Knows how it is done                                                             Shows how it is done

Uses people                                                                               Develops People

Takes Credit                                                                              Gives credit

Commands                                                                                Asks

Says “Go”                                                                                    Says “Let’s go”

 The Mistaken Goal of Power

When I saw this comparison of a Boss vs. a Leader I realized that this applies to parenting as well.  We’ve probably all experienced bosses in our life who attempt to control by fear and authority.  They may be successful at forcing people to fit into their mould but they are not going to encourage creativity, enthusiasm, or an ethic of working “above and beyond”.  The same comparison can be made for parenting styles.  An Authoritarian parent may have an obedient child, yet with thick defenses.   This child will not feel comfortable being open and vulnerable nor creative and adventurous.  If someone pushes against our palms, it is a natural reaction to push back.  Likewise, if we feel coerced and controlled to do something, it is instinctive to resist.  Parenting creates a difficult challenge – remaining in charge, yet without being domineering.  If a child senses, a parent trying to impose his/her agenda on him/her, the power struggle begins!  A child, with whom we are often in power struggles, is a child who mistakenly believes that he/she only belongs when being the boss or in control.  The hidden message behind the power struggle:  “Let me help.  Give me choices.  I want to feel capable.”  (For more information on the Four Goals of Misbehaviour according to Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs: Dreikurs, R. (1947). The four goals of the maladjusted child. Nervous Child, 6, 321-328.)

How to Drop the Rope in the Parent-Child Tug of War?

If you are feeling anger by your interaction with your child, this is a red light warning signal that you have entered a power struggle.  As you have probably discovered, it really doesn’t work to try and MAKE our children do something.  It works much better when we are able to influence our children in the spirit of cooperation.

• First and foremost, the family atmosphere needs to be one of mutual respect between the parents and then towards the children.  The children need to feel the crucial “C” of capable (I can do it!) and the connection of being part of a family team
• Secondly, try to say “yes” or a come up with a win-win solution when possible
• Thirdly, from a framework of democracy, re-assess the situation and ask yourself “Are the child’s rights and freedoms being respected? Are the parent’s rights and freedoms being respected? Is there a respect for the order of the family?” If yes, let it go, if not use one of the following interventions (p. 107 Honey I Wrecked the Kids)
• “I come in peace” ~ Buzz Lightyear.  Change your body language and tone of voice to show that you are not threatening – bend down to the child’s level, speak calmly and in a regular voice, increase proximity to the child.  Check that you are not blaming, criticizing, humiliating, lecturing, moralizing, ordering,  or judging.  Find a way to connect and use physical touch if possible
• Ask or describe instead of commanding.  Eg.  Where do pyjamas belong?  vs. Put your pyjamas away or How many times do I have to tell you to put your pyjamas away?!   I see a wet towel on the floor vs. pick up your wet towel.  For older kids, What’s your plan for getting your homework done? vs. Go and do your homework right now
• Use less words Eg. “hands”  vs. “wash your hands”
• Use humour
• Give choices
• Let routines rule – keep the same bed-time and routine every night in order that it doesn’t become a negotiation
• Use logical consequences such as no sweets or juice the following day if the “sugar bugs” aren’t brushed off the teeth that night
• Planning ahead – let’s look at the calendar and figure out what days will work to stay and have a play after school
• Joint problem solving – family meetings are the best forum for this