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Last week, I summarized a portion of Dr. Laura Markham’s keynote presentation on Peaceful Parenting. This week I’m going to share her words of wisdom on “Preventive Maintenance” for maintaining a close parent-child relationship.

What is Preventive Maintenance?

As Dr. Laura said, we take of our car with routine maintenance such as oil changes, and this helps our car to run more smoothly.  If we ignore servicing our car, we have much a greater chance of having a break-down and then our options are much more stressful and limited.  Our relationship with our children is the same.  If we can have regular bonding experiences with our children, which promote a close parent-child relationship, this can help prevent problems and misbehaviour.

What Are Some of The Best Strategies for Enhancing a Close Parent-Child Relationship?

• Empathy –  work on communicating by validating your child’s emotions versus problem-solving.  Mirror back your child’s feelings.  Use empathy when you set limits.  (See my previous article on S.E.T. communication).

• Daily Play-wrestling/pillow-fighting stimulates the release of the feel good hormones, Oxytocin and Endorphins which helps us to feel happier and connected.  “Horsey rides” work well too.  Playing helps to discharge the stress hormones and it’s a safe way to release anger.  It’s important to let your child win until he/she requests that you try harder.  For older kids/teens, find ways to incorporate touch such as through facials, manicures, pedicures, playing football, soccer etc.

• Special 1:1 quality time – Scheduling quality 1:1 time with each of your children is very important and makes a significant difference to your parent-child relationship.  It helps you stay connected and gives an opportunity for your child to express his/her emotions.  Be sure that you are giving 100% of your undivided attention (have siblings be taken care of by someone else) and that you don’t respond to any text messages, door knocks, phone calls etc.  Try to have some 1:1 time on a daily basis.  Bed-time is often a good opportunity for this,  if there’s not time during the day.
• Routines – the more predictable routines you have, the less you have to be the police officer.  Let the routines rule!  For younger children, you can take photos of the routine to create a visual schedule.  For older kids/teens, you can print up a schedule that you’ve created together so there is buy-in to the routines.

• “Schedule a melt-down” –  Dr.  Laura advises parents to notice when their children are acting cranky or angry, and respond to them with all your compassion.  It may be necessary to set a kind limit on their behaviour.  The goal is to create enough safety for the child to work through his/her emotions.  It is by working through the emotions, that the parent-child relationship is strengthened.  She states “crying heals – we all need a witness”.  It also builds resilience as the child learns that whatever happens, I can handle it.

I highly recommend reading Dr. Laura’s book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.

I wonder what ways  you will come up with this week to do “preventive maintenance” with your children…

Warmly,