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18 Year Old Sues Her Parents for Child Support

In my last article, I wrote about some of the reasons why fear-based parenting is no longer an effective method of parenting.  After I wrote that article, an interesting and sad law-suit came to my attention.

An 18 year old senior high-school girl from New Jersey, Rachel  Canning, is suing her parents for child support, private school tuition, future college tuition, and attorney’s fees.  According to the media, she is now living with her best friend’s family and these parents are paying for her law suit as they believe it’s very important for her to further her education.  Her father, a retired police-chief, explains that they are not Draconian parents but they do have house rules such as being respectful, obeying a curfew and did ask her to break up with her boyfriend who they believed was not a good influence.  Their daughter is described as an honour student with disordered eating issue. Click here for the full article.

There are always two sides to a story and it’s difficult to garner the whole truth from the media reports, but what is clear is that these parents and child have lost their relationship.

Along the way, their connection disappeared and now both parents  and Rachel are shown in the media photographs with hurting, teary eyes, and the damage is immense.

When I last wrote that our current culture now encourages children to have a voice, which is a positive progression, I had no idea that this would even translate to the courtroom.  Can you imagine an 18 year old suing her parents, even 30 years ago?  My heart goes out to all members of this family, and the biggest sadness, which is that they weren’t able to work this out amicably with their relationship left intact.

Are Our Children Becoming More Sensitive?

We are seeing more and more sensitive children nowadays.

One possible hypothesis for the rise in sensitive and sometimes more anxious children, which I heard at a workshop on anxiety by Dr. Paul Foxman, is that sensitive people tend to be attracted to sensitive partners and therefore give birth to children with a higher dose of sensitivity.

Sensitive people have their strengths of usually being very empathic, loyal, supportive and caring.

However, they are also tend to be more attuned to their parents’ tone, facial expressions, body language etc. and if they feel as though they are being slighted or treated disrespectfully, they are quick to put their bristles up and defend themselves with words or actions of revenge.

Remember…  “Hurt people, hurt people”

I often suggest to parents, that when they recognize this dynamic is occurring, it’s important to think of their child as an ice-cube who needs melting with warmth.

Now the parent may also be fired up and not able to be in a space of warmth and understanding, therefore it’s important for the parent to model taking some calm-down time, resist saying hurtful words, and come back to the child to re-connect when he/she has calmed down.  It’s helpful to think of the word “repair” as re-pair – how can the two of you become a pair again?  For more information on re-pair, please read The 3 R’s of Parenting: Repair, Reconnect,Revive.

A New Name for Sensitive Children:  Orchid Children

The research around sensitive individuals  is currently focussed on environmental factors and genetic factors.  Swedish researchers have coined the terms “Orchid Children” and “Dandelion Children” as metaphors for two different profiles.

According to an article by David Dobbs in the Atlantic:

 “Most of us have genes that make us as hardy as dandelions: able to take root and survive almost anywhere. A few of us, however, are more like the orchid: fragile and fickle, but capable of blooming spectacularly if given greenhouse care.

In this view, having both dandelion and orchid kids greatly raises a family’s (and a species’) chance of succeeding, over time and in any given environment. The behavioural diversity provided by these two different types of temperament also supplies precisely what a smart, strong species needs if it is to spread across and dominate a changing world. The many dandelions in a population provide an underlying stability. The less-numerous orchids, meanwhile, may falter in some environments but can excel in those that suit them. … Together, the steady dandelions and the mercurial orchids offer an adaptive flexibility that neither can provide alone. Together, they open a path to otherwise unreachable individual and collective achievements.”

In the past the sensitive children were seen as being more vulnerable and at a disadvantage as they were more susceptible to depression, hyper-aggression, lack of focus, anxiety and other other mental health conditions, but this new Orchid Hypothesis is focussing on the benefits of being sensitive.

Early research is proposing that with supportive parenting (kind and firm), the orchid children have a greater chance of excelling. I find this new research very exciting which is documented in The Orchid and The Dandelion: Whey Some Children Struggle and How All Can Thrive by W. Thomas Boyce, M.D.

Also, David Dobbs has written a lot of articles in The Atlantic on this topic.  Once again, research is helping us to further decode our children, as the more we can understand them, the more we can support them, especially the less-understood sensitive orchid children.

Whether your child is a dandelion or an orchid, the main message remains that a warm, supportive, stable attachment/relationship is the key to effective parenting and successful children.

Warmly,