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Photo credit  (This is not a photo of Amanda Todd – this is a photo to represent the image of bullying)

The Tragedy of Amanda Todd

For those of us who live in British Columbia, we are all aware of the tragedy of teenager Amanda Todd, who took her own life after years of cyber, physical, verbal and social bullying.  Her case has become very high-profile as she created a YouTube video telling her story before she committed suicide, through a series of flashcards.  It touches us all deeply as we feel her pain.  However, provincial leaders in Critical Incident Management, Kevin Cameron and Theresa Campbell, caution showing this YouTube to children and youth as we do not want them to think bullying “causes” suicide.

For those of us who have children, we pray that they will never be the target of such animalistic behavior.  Unfortunately, social media has made bullying easier and more powerful.  Now people, who have the need to suck the power out of others to try and fill themselves up, can do this with the typing of a few keys.  Some of these individuals are the kind who would also bully in person, but the Internet has now made it possible and easy for another group to bully –  from behind a screen.  There is a Lord of the Flies feeling to Amanda Todd’s story.  She tried to escape and moved to several different schools, but she was always tracked down by the “leader” and the “leader’s” mob.  There was no empathy, the hunt was on (physically and digitally) and this was further sensationalized by the Facebook followers who reveled in coming up with the most disturbing comments “I wish she was dead”, “Hope she tries a bleach that works next time” etc.

 What Pro-Active Measures Can We Take to Protect our Children?

 As I have mentioned in many of my blogs, the importance of our families being a “secure base” for our child cannot be emphasized enough.  Even when there’s been a separation between parents, both parents can work hard to re-create a “secure base” in each of their homes.  If children know that they have a strong connection with their parents and feel truly loved, they can be more resilient to the taunting, teasing, put-downs and social exclusion of other kids.  According to Adler, we are all seeking belonging and significance.  If we feel a sense of belonging and significance in our families, it will not be so devastating if we don’t find belonging and significance amongst a group of peers.  Furthermore, if children feel deeply attached to their parents, they will share at their most vulnerable level, and parents will hear first-hand if their child is experiencing bullying.

 If children understand the dynamics of social behavior and how we can sometimes inadvertently reinforce negative interactions, they will be in a more powerful position to know how to handle difficult situations as they come up.  An excellent book is Simon’s Hook by Karen Gedig Burnett (Ages 5-12 yrs.)  This story uses the metaphor of fishing for bullying.  The one who is bullying used taunts as bait and if the target bites, he/she will get reeled in and the “fisherman/woman” will feel rewarded.  The book goes through several strategies for not “biting” the bait.  Eg.swim in another part of the sea, ignore, make a joke, distract and change the topic etc.  The key is to take the “wind out of the sails” of the one doing the bullying.

Barbara Coloroso has also written an excellent book called The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander.  The importance of teaching children what to do in their role as the Bystander is also vital.  Even if a large group of people are ganging up on one person, as in the case of Amanda Todd, just one bystander, who could have led her away from the group, could have made the difference, instead of them all deserting her in a ditch.   Barabara Coloroso defines bullying:  “Bullying is not about anger, it is about contempt, it is an excuse to put someone down so the bully can feel up.  Contempt has 3 characteristics:

• A sense of entitlement
• Intolerance toward differences
• A liberty to exclude”

For these reasons, I have seen Elementary school principals and teachers be very effective in the way they handle bullying by intervening in ways such as the following example of one approach:

Step 1: Getting permission from the child who is being bullied for a 3-way meeting with the principal or teacher, the child being targeted and the child doing the bullying.  (If the child who is being bullied is not willing or feeling enough trust in the process to agree to step one, it makes it very difficult for intervention to happen.  The school counsellor can be a key person in helping the child realize that there reaches a point where it is better to speak up  in a controlled setting and address the situation as hard as this is.)  If the child agrees to this then the principal/teacher may meet with each of the individual children involved alone first and sometimes with children who may have been witnesses.

Step 2: At the meeting, the child, who is being targeted, speaks up and says what is happening.  This empowers the victim, dis-empowers the one bullying, and all in the presence of the one who ultimately has the most power: the principal or teacher.

Step 3:  Often the one who was bullying, feels remorseful and apologizes, if not, he/she at least knows he/she’s on careful watch and that any future incidents will result in greater consequences.  The school counselor is also an important liaison as this can be the person who checks-in to see if the child who was being targeted has experienced any more incidents.

For further resources on Bullying see: www.deal.org, www.bullying.org or www.cyberbullying.ca These websites include facts on what bullying is, why people bully, who they target and how parents can deal with their child, whether they are being bullied or are the ones doing the bullying.

I am also offer Self-Empowerment groups for children ages 7-9 yrs. and 10-12 yrs. twice per year.

As Dr. Gordon Neufeld says “Hold onto Your Kids” – focus on attachment, and if your child is on Facebook, be sure to be their “friend” and explain the importance of why.

Warmly,

Free Video On Developing Emotional Resilience