Blog

As we come to the end of the school year, report cards are coming and this presents another opportunity to look at the difference between praise and encouragement.

Praise vs. Encouragement

What Does Praise Sound Like?

• Wow, you have done so well, great job!
• You got all A’s, you did just what your Dad/Mom and I wanted, we are so proud of you
• You are so smart, I am sure you did better than the other kids in the class
• This is such a good report card and considering we pay you $10 for every A, you’ve made a lot of money!
• Wow, you are the smart one in the family, you blew your brother/sister out of the water!
• This is such a fabulous report card – let’s go to the toy store/pet store and get you that lego set/puppy that we promised you for a good report card

What Does Encouragement Sound Like?

• Tell me about your report card (direct quote from Barbara Coloroso)
• You must be really proud of yourself
• What do you think of your report card?
• I see that you have improved in your Math mark from last term
• You must have worked really hard this term
• You put a lot of hard work and effort into your school work and your report card is showing that
• You know that Mom/Dad and I are always here to support you, if there’s subjects that are causing you stress, let’s talk about it

What’s the Difference?

• Praise is positive judgment coming from outside.  Praise does not build self-esteem and confidence.  In the moment, it works and feels really good, but it only lasts temporarily
• Praise is conditional
• Praise can create pressure to perform and be perfect
• Praise can prevent one from taking mistakes for fear of making mistakes and getting a worse mark
• Praise doesn’t come from within – in order to feel good, one has to look outside of oneself for approval
• Children who have become praise dependent, can become teenagers who look to others for approval or feel down/depressed because they don’t have a sense of inner self-worth
• Praise takes away from the pride a child may feel about his/her actions or accomplishments, waiting first to see how others will react
• Praise-dependent children have been shown to be less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with other students
• Encouragement notices effort and improvement, not just “success”, and builds long-term self-esteem and empowerment (Jane Nelson)
• Encouragement implies faith in people as they are.  It focuses on strengths and assets in order to build self-confidence and self-esteem (Michel H. Messer)
• “If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.” – Albert Einstein

Low Marks or Negative Comments…How to Respond?

As Rudolph Dreikur, (famous Adlerian psychiatrist) said:  “A Child Needs Encouragement Like A Plant Needs Water” .

Parents in my parenting groups often comment that it doesn’t feel enough to say “Hey, look at your report card, you must feel really proud of yourself!” but I challenge you to try it.  We are so used to praise that it feels awkward to say it, but from my experience, children still glow when they hear these words, but this time they’re glowing because they feel proud not because they’ve pleased their parents.

I hope these last few weeks of the school year go well for you,

Warmly,

Sharon

Photo credit: www.flickr.com/photos/ajc1/3693303191/lightbox/