Stephen Covey’s Habit #4, in his excellent book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, focuses on “Win-Win – the Only Long-term Viable Alternative”.
What Does Win-Win Look Like and Feel Like?
To figure out what “win-win” feels like, let’s first figure out what “win-lose” and “lose-win” looks like. Nobody likes to lose, thus right away we know that one person in each of these situations is left feeling bad and de-valued. In a “win-lose” scenario, one person is determined to get his/her own way…”might is right”. In a “lose-win” scenario, one person takes on the role of a martyr, and “gives-in” but feels resentful. Neither of these patterns create patterns of long-term trust and love, and therefore both patterns end up as “lose-lose”.
Win-win is the core principle of effective families. Now of course this doesn’t mean that we always give children their way when it’s not in their best interest. If your child has a fever, and you tell him/her that he/she can’t attend a birthday party, your child will not think of this as a “win-win” but you can explain it to him/her in a way that you are not just trying to do “might is right”. In your mind, you will know it’s best that your child doesn’t spread the infection to others and that he/she can get better quicker by resting at home. Ultimately this is a “win-win” just not a popular one! In other cases, your child might want to get a bunch of cardboard boxes and create a fort in the living room. This may not be your first choice, but it’s harmless, creative and to say “yes” would create a “win-win”. Another time, you might not want to go somewhere with your spouse, for example a staff party, but because it would mean a lot to your spouse you say “yes” and create a “win-win”. It may feel like a “lose-win” because you don’t really want to go, but because you love and value your spouse, it’s a “win-win” for your relationship.
Going from Me to We
When we are single, we may think we’re very giving, kind and generous, but then when we go from the independence of a single person to the interdependence relationship of a family, we realize that it’s a challenge to put aside our immediate wishes and wants and focus on what the family needs at that moment. We may have been at work all day, but when we come home, we need to find our energy-reserve, and give our spouse and children a hug, and spend some time connecting = win-win.
Problem-solving, works better when all members involved have a voice. This goes back to the idea of family meetings. It also works when it comes to drawing up a contract based on “win-win agreements”. Contracts are useful for establishing expectations and limits, while gathering input from all those involved. It’s important to hear the child/teen’s needs and concerns. Write them down and then share your needs and concerns. There will need to be “give and take” on both sides, but showing the effort to positively problem solve and come up with an agreement, creates a “win-win” mind-set.
- Limit Setting is still essential, but the method is equally important. Discipline with Logical and Natural Consequences also creates a “Win-Win” vs. Punishment which creates a “Win-Lose” feeling
- Being strategic about the delivery of a request is also a “win-win” as summarized in: Decreasing Power Struggles: Top 20 (short) Tips which includes a downloadable pdf. cheat sheet for the inside of your cupboard door! *Read the article first to understand the cheat sheet.
Let the Contract Govern
By creating an agreement, this stops parents from having to “nag” and allows children/teens to take responsibility. For example, if one created a monthly clothing allowance and the teen knew that he/she needed to budget per month and plan what shoes, outfits etc. might need purchasing this would create responsibility. Furthermore, if part of the agreement was based on the Adlerian concept: “With Freedom Comes Responsibility” and the deal was that the teen needed to be responsible for doing her own laundry which would then provide the freedom to have a clothing allowance, this would also foster responsibility. Agreements are an effective way to reduce power struggles, as both parties have obligations to fulfill.
Win-Win with Siblings: Reducing Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry is often about competition. Stephen Covey’s philosophy of win-win connects to the Adlerian concept of cooperation vs. competition. Sometimes just by asking one child to take on a responsibility that involves helping his/her sibling, changes the pattern from competition to cooperation. For example, one family asked their oldest child, who was always teasing the youngest, to take on the responsibility of teaching the youngest to read. The oldest one accepted the responsibility and the interactions between the two of them became much more positive as the youngest one learned to read and the oldest one saw the benefits of his positive interactions. It is imperative when sorting out sibling rivalry that children don’t feel as though parents are taking sides and that there is a win-win solution. For my two previous articles on Sibling Rivalry which describe how to do this process see: Sibling Rivalry and Diffuse Sibling Rivalry and Create Strong Family Bonds
As I summarize Stephen Covery’s Habits (#1 Be Proactive, #2 Begin with the End in Mind, #3 First Things First, #4 Win-Win) I realize how much these Habits complement the Adlerian Parenting Framework and 4 Essential C’s of: Connection, Capability, feeling Counted and Courageous ~ Betty Lou Bettner.
If the end goal is to have a close, connected family that communicates well, we need to keep this in mind before our Ego pushes to be right.
Warmly,
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