The Different Parenting Styles
Although we all flip back and forth between being a Jellyfish parent, Backbone parent and Brickwall parent (Barbara Coloroso’s terms), setting limits can sometimes take us back to the default of a Brickwall parent “You do it because I said so!”
Since, our goal is to be a Backbone Parent (for as much time as possible) it may seem challenging to know how to set limits while being kind and firm.
SET communication is a very positive and effective way of setting limits. The S.E.T acronym first came from the authors, Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus who wrote a book about Borderline Personality Disorder called I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me. However, this SET method of communication works well for setting limits, in general, with people of all ages.
An Acronym for Setting Limits
Support
Starting with a supportive statement is the first step in this process. It is very important to begin by conveying concern, care and intention to help. For example, “I care about you and I want to help you, and I know you really wish we could stay at the park all day,” or “I understand that you were really hoping you could stay up and watch until the end of the hockey game.” In this first statement, the person feels that his/her needs are identified and understood. As discussed in emotion coaching (John Gottman), it is important to validate and state the person’s wish or desire.
Empathy
Empathy is different from sympathy in that it is not pity. Empathy demonstrates an understanding of what it must be like to be in the other person’s shoes. Empathy identifies how the other person is most probably feeling. For example, “I can see you feel mad/disappointed that there won’t be enough time to watch the whole hockey game.” “I see you are angry, and I understand that you were hoping to stay at the park.” In this second stage, it is really important to validate the person’s feelings. *By identifying the person’s feelings, it does not mean that you agree with how he/she is reacting, but it does demonstrate that you understand how the other person is feeling.
Truth
It is really important not to skip the first two steps. By using supportive and empathic statements first, you are helping the brain to stay in a calm and rational state. (My new slogan is: FEELINGS FIRST, LOGICS LAST). If the person does not feel validated, he/she will escalate and the emotional fight/flight/freeze “alarm centre” of the brain will hijack the higher level thinking area of the brain. If one “flips his/her lid” (loses one’s rational thinking abilities) the communication will be much more difficult and likely to turn into a fight (verbal or physical), “flight” or freeze situation. If the other person feels heard, supported and validated you will then be ready to state the truth – the limit. For example, “It is time to stop watching the game as it is bed-time. We will check the scores and highlights tomorrow. Now it’s time for a bed-time cuddle”.
You may then need to summarize and repeat: “I care and understand that you were hoping to watch the whole hockey game, and I know you’re feeling mad that it’s bed-time. It is time to stop but we will check the scores and highlights tomorrow. Let’s go get that bed-time cuddle.”
For parents, if the child is willing, then you could put your arm around him/her, hold hands or pat him/her on the back as you walk to the bedroom together. A child who feels connected and understood is much more likely to be cooperative. You will notice that I also added a solution statement as part of the truth/limit. If there’s a way to offer a plausible alternative then this is important to include as part of the truth statement.
Wishing you all a wonderful week of connection and cooperation,
Warmly,
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