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Repair after conflict

Voices get raised, arguments happen, and tempers are lost.

Repair is essential.

For children, it is particularly frightening to feel disconnected from a parent because this is the person on whom they depend.

If a child’s behaviour is out of control, they need the parent to stay in control and contain the emotion.  If the parent and the child are both out of control, the child will likely continue to escalate to find out exactly where the limits are.

However, when buttons are pushed it can be hard to stay calm and say all the right things.  Words can come out that are hurtful.

It is important to take deep breaths and, when the situation has calmed down, apologize.

Everyone makes mistakes and it is important to acknowledge these mistakes and grow from them.

It is a positive quality to do the repair by saying sorry and really meaning it.  It is important for children to hear these words, when an adult they love and trust has scared them.

It is also important if children hear their parents fighting, that the parents talk to their children about this conflict (without blame) once they have calmed down.

Reconnect with your child

After conflict, it is a natural tendency to withdraw as a way of protecting oneself, even if an apology has been made.

A child may say “Go away”, “I don’t want to talk to you” or “I hate you”.  At this point it is important to validate the child.  It  may be too much to validate feelings, but you can begin the process of reconnecting by saying “You wish I wasn’t here” or “We’ve had an argument and you don’t want to see me”.

If your child keeps talking to you, you might be able to continue, or they might still need some time.  If you are able to continue, you could say, “You’re really mad at me” or “You’re really upset with me” and touch on the feelings.  Some children may not be willing to talk but may be willing to write notes back and forth.

You will need to gauge the situation, but it is important, that when the timing is right, you find a way to reach out and reconnect.  Perhaps your child doesn’t want to talk but is okay with having a hug.  Perhaps your child needs to go for a walk to process all the emotion. You could walk side-by-side, in silence, or talk, depending on the circumstances.

Perhaps you haven’t had an argument, but your relationship needs a boost of closeness.  Try bringing out the baby albums or any items you’ve kept from when your child was a baby.  Talk about the funny things that they used to do.  Children LOVE to hear the funny stories of what they did when they were young!

Also, try finding ways to be physically close – back massages, holding hands, hugs, hand massages, manicures, pedicures, piggy-back rides, play wrestling, hair styling etc.

Talking about your child as a baby and finding ways to have more physical contact all feel instinctually nurturing to a child because it brings them back to their early days when they did receive so much nurturance.  Have fun reconnecting with each other.

Revive your relationship

One of the meanings of “revive” is: to bring back to consciousness.

Parenting needs to be a conscious act.  Parents can be “Distracted Parents” and parents can be “Present Parents”.

Think about the time you spend with your child and how much undivided attention you give them.

Do you text while listening to your child tell a story?  Do you watch television while playing a game? Do you go on the computer while listening with one ear to your child?

Do you use bed-time as a special time to have 1:1 quality time and hear about the events of the day? (Night-time is often the time when children share any problems they may have encountered during the day.)

Do you eat dinner as a family and ask each other about their day, without having the TV on in the background?

Do you pick up your child from school and get eye contact and give a hug, or do you say a quick “hi” and keep on talking to the other parents?

It takes time to be a “Present Parent”, but the time pays off.

The time you put in now, builds the attachment relationship that determines your influence later on.

The stronger your relationship, the more your child wants to be with you and the more influence you have.

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

Warmly,