Blog

The Importance of Attachment

We’ve now been on our home-exchange adventure for just over month, with two and a half more weeks to go.  The time has gone by quickly with lots of memorable moments. Being away together in a foreign country, creates a special bond. There are many moments throughout the day where we connect, as we laugh while trying to figure out a French menu and how to avoid ordering unknown animal organs (!) or go for a walk holding hands,

hold onto each other while entering the Atlantic Ocean,

or laugh while looking at the length of one shadows.

Of course one doesn’t have to be away in a foreign country to experience these moments, setting aside time to be together is what matters most.  “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” thus, the more time we give to our children when they are young, the deeper the attachment, and the more connected they will feel to us as they grow older.

The Culture of France and Attachment

As mentioned in an earlier post on practicing mindfulness, the French often attach by enjoying a sit-down lunch together and then taking a siesta, in order that they can be re-energized, ready to spend the evening together.  Small businesses close down for a couple of hours in the afternoon and yesterday we even discovered a parking meter that gave us free parking from 12-2pm, as no tickets in this neighbourhood are given out while the parking meter officials have their siesta!

The bakeries (les boulangeries) are a big part of French culture.  It appears as though everyone buys a baguette every day!  Even in a larger city such as Nantes, there are two bakeries within a few minutes walking distance from our home.  We discovered that they kindly coordinate the closing and re-opening of their bakeries for summer holidays, in order that the neighbourhood’s bakery needs are always met!  Lots of meeting and greeting takes place at the bakery and for our family, it is a very enjoyable morning ritual to walk to the bakery together for our pain au chocolat and of course a baguette!

It is a much more connected experience to walk from shop to shop to buy  food, as one is greeted warmly by fellow customers and the shopkeepers.  I was thinking about how this feeling then transfers, as I observed an elderly lady being helped across the road by a young construction worker who was jack-hammering the road.  We all need to feel connected, and being part of a caring community is one way of fulfilling this need.

The Theory of Attachment

John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth are considered to be the founders of Attachment Theory.  Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Vancouver based developmental psychologist, has had a tremendous influence on parenting, in North America, from an attachment perspective, through his workshops, DVD’s and the excellent book Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers.

According to Gordon Neufeld, attachment is the most powerful psychological force in existence and has the highest priority – it trumps everything. If you want your child to do something and you haven’t connected with him/her first, chances are you will get resistance in the form of defiance, procrastination, or no acknowledgement whatsoever.  Gordon Neufeld talks about the importance of COLLECTING A CHILD. Collecting a child means connecting through eye contact, a smile, a hug, a conversation, a high-five or a nod. If you and your child are connected and then you ask him/her to get dressed or put his/her shoes on, your chances will be much greater if you have connected and collected.

Children instinctively want to be good for you, and this is not dependent on a child’s temperament or on the type of discipline used, it is in the nature of the relationship between the parent and the child. Children want to attach physically through the senses and through sameness, and emotionally through feelings. If children feel a sense of belonging, being important, valued and known, they will use this adult as a compass point to get their bearings. Children are innately programmed to attach to something to get their bearings. For example, when goslings first hatch they will attach to the first moving object that they come across. If children don’t feel the attachment with their parents, they will attach to their peers.

In the McCreary Survey (2008), that surveyed all adolescents in public schools from grade 7- 12 (The Vancouver North Shore/Coast Garibaldi region), the statistics clearly pointed to the benefits of “Health by family connectedness”.  Twenty-six percent of students who felt low connectedness to families considered suicide vs. three percent who felt high connectedness to families. Forty-five percent of adolescents, who felt low connectedness to families, participated in binge drinking vs. sixteen percent of adolescents who felt high connectedness. According to the statistics, family connectedness is the highest protective factor in reducing the likelihood of experiencing negative outcomes for youth.

Have fun together,

Warmly,