Photo credit: www.flickr.com/photos/courosa/5757039943/
Trying to remain neutral when intervening in sibling rivalry, or peer conflict, is very challenging and it’s easy to fall into some very common parent traps. In Nurture Shock by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman, they highlight the importance of supporting children in the problem-solving process vs. leaving them to work it out on their own where the bully continues to bully and the victim continues to feel powerless. In Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, they outline some key points which have been adapted here:
Do:
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Acknowledge negative feelings vs. dismissing them
Example of disregarding negative feelings:
Sister: You’re always with Joey.
Parent: No I’m not, I was just playing with you.
Example of validating negative feelings:
Sister: You’re always with Joey.
Parent: You don’t like me spending time with Joey or It seems like I’m always with Joey.
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Allow children to imagine what they don’t have in reality
Example of dismissing child’s wish:
Brother: I wish you’d never had another child!
Parent: You don’t mean that, you love your sister!
Example of expressing what the child is wishing:
Brother: I wish you’d never had another child!
Parent: You’re having a hard time with your sister and sometimes you wish she wasn’t here.
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Assist children in directing their angry/aggressive feelings into symbolic or creative outlets
Example of dismissing hostile thoughts and feelings:
Son: There’s a boy at school who’s really mean and he never lets me play with the group.
Parent: Sounds like you’re being a whiner.
Example of encouraging creative expression:
Son: There’s a boy at school who’s really mean and he never lets me play with the group.
Parent: It’s not nice to get left out. Do you want to draw me a picture of how it makes you feel? or Do you want to write about how you feel?
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Stop physically aggressive behaviour! Show how angry feelings can be diffused safely. Refrain from going after the attacker.
Example of attacking the attacker:
Son is about to punch his younger sister. Parent: (Grabs child’s arm) Stop! How dare you be so mean to your sister!
Example of showing better ways to express anger:
Parent: Parent bends down to children’s level. Stop – no punching – tell your sister how mad you are with your words.
Siblings, Peers, Sons, & Daughters need to have their feelings acknowledged by…
Example: Child to parent: I hate Sally, she’s always on the computer or texting or talking or reading.
1) Validating feelings with words: You sound really upset.
OR
2) Verbalizing wishes: You wish she’d spend more time with you.
OR
3) Suggesting symbolic or creative outlets: How about you draw a picture of you and Sally doing something together and give it to her and ask her if she’ll do something with you.
Children need to have limits set on their hurtful behaviours:
State the rule: Stop – people are not for hurting AND…
Model how to express angry feelings in an acceptable manner: Tell her with your words how angry you are. Tell her: I don’t want you to play with my Lego.
Suggest a creative outlet for hostile feelings: You both need some calm-down time, find some quiet space and draw a picture of how you’re feeling and then we’ll talk about it and do some problem solving.
What are the most common parent traps?
- Comparing child out loud with others
- Worrying about giving equal amounts (Fair does not mean equal and Give uniquely not equally)
- Casting children into roles
- The parents makes the final decision instead of walking the children through a problem-solving process* where they make the final decision
Problem Solving Process
- Agree on the problem: Allow children to share both sides of the story – all feelings and concerns, validate the differences, agree on the problem
- Brainstorm solutions: Ask both parties to suggest solutions, write down all ideas
- Choose solution together: Help the children evaluate and decide on the most agreeable solution
- Decide if it worked. After the solution has been implemented, follow-up with each child to determine if the solution worked or what they might do differently next time
For further reading on Sibling Rivalry refer to my other articles: Diffuse Sibling Rivalry and Create Strong Family Bonds and Sibling Rivarly.
Hope it’s a peaceful week,
Warmly,
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