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John Gottman, a Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, is known as an expert in couples therapy.  He has studied thousands of couples for the last 35 years.  With approximately 90% accuracy, he can observe couples having  a conversation for 15 minutes, and then predict if their marriage is going to last.  What are the factors that he looks for?

          The Four Factors Which Equal The Horsemen of the Apocalypse                 (J. Gottman)

1.  Criticism – attacking a partner’s personality traits

2. Contempt  – acting superior to one’s partner and using “put downs” such as calling someone an idiot

* Having the mindset that one is superior to one’s partner is the most dangerous pitfall and greatest risk factor in a marriage, according to the Gottman Institute

3. Defensiveness – self-righteous.  Eg. “I’m not the one with the problems here.  You’re the one who is…”

4. Stonewalling – ignoring, cold shoulder, silent treatment, emotional withdrawal

What Are The Greatest Predictors for a Successful Marriage?

• Happily married couples behave like good friends.  Conflict is handled respectfully and in gentle ways
• After negative interactions during an argument, happily married couples are able to re-pair (come back together as a pair) and they are able to fully process negative emotions
• There’s a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions (any of the four horsemen)

Sibling Rivalry and Marital Tension

If children witness their parents criticizing and attacking each other’s personality, they will think it’s okay to treat their siblings in this way.

If they see one parent acting superior to the other parent, they will also believe that it’s okay to put down others.

If they watch their parents, take no responsibility or show no ability to listen to feedback, they too will be resistant to hearing about any problems that need to be worked out.

If they observe their parents emotionally withdrawing and giving each other the cold shoulder, they too will believe that emotions should be stuffed inside and the silent negative stream of thoughts about the other person will be perpetuated.

When parents fight, children feel upset, and then they take it out on others and this often includes a sibling.

Children are made up of half of each parent, and they have loyalties to both parents.  When parents have big arguments, this tears a child up inside.  (For parents who are separated or divorced, it is really important to remember that children are made up of half of each parent, and therefore it reflects on them if they hear one parent being talked about badly.)

Try the 5:1 ratio of showing positivity and appreciation toward all members of the family, and over time the feeling in the home environment will feel much more peaceful.

Anxiety and Arguments

Children who have higher anxiety, also tend to be higher on the sensitivity scale.  When they sense tension between their parents, their antennae immediately go up and start scanning for danger.  Their bodies prepare them for flight, fight or freeze as a way to protect themselves, but this also comes with a lot of angst.

Children who are sensitive are like barometers – they measure the atmospheric pressure in an environment.  They feel and sense everything.  They feel fear and lose trust in their surroundings.  Fear fuels anxiety.

The good news is that children will also notice the smallest gestures of kindness and positivity so the 5:1 (positives to negatives) ratio will have a very positive impact.

How to Solve Problems Amicably?

Validate, validate, validate!  This is my mantra for how to respond to our children when they’re upset, and the same goes for us as adults!

We all want to feel heard and understood.

Validating doesn’t mean that you’re agreeing, but it does mean that you’re hearing the other person’s perspective.

Then, use “I” messages vs. “You” messages.  Eg.  “I’m feeling ______ that ______”

State that you understand the other person had good intentions (this helps to keep the defences from going up) and then explain your point of view.

Be willing to acknowledge your piece in the problem.

If you need time to calm down, explain that you’re taking some alone time, but then go back and discuss once the emotions have calmed down.

Focus on the positives in your partner vs. the negatives.  No one is perfect.  Appreciate your partner’s positive qualities.

Another excellent tool for communicating with your partner is called The Feedback Wheel.  Click here to read a script on how to use the four steps of The Feedback Wheel in an example where a partner comes home late for dinner.

5 (positives):1 (negative) is the number!  Keep that in mind with all your interactions with all family members.

“Love is patient. Love is kind”

What can you express appreciation for today?

Hopefully this will help bring extra positivity to your day,

Warmly,

PS.  Registration is now open for my next round of Self-Empowerment groups for 7-9 year olds and 10-12 year olds.  You can view the flyer with more information here.  You can call the ABLE Clinic at 604-922-3450 to register.