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This week I had the pleasure of attending two presentations on Anxiety, one was given by my former and esteemed colleague, Dr. Aaron White, School Psychologist (WVSD) and the other was by one of my very respected parenting teachers, Jim Skinner, Clinical Counsellor and Executive Director of the Adler Centre in Vancouver. (Dr. Gordon Neufeld being my other main influence and very respected parenting teacher.) Dr. White’s presentation focussed on research and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and Jim Skinner’s presentation framed anxiety from an Adlerian theoretical perspective, which is less well-known, and therefore I am going to summarize his presentation in this article.

What is Anxiety from an Adlerian Perspective?

Anxiety creates a false picture. It is when one demonstrates excessive concern regarding performing and excessive self-consciousness. Furthermore, the person believes that he/she doesn’t have the required skills to cope with a threat. The person believes that he/she doesn’t have control or is losing control.

Anxiety fuels itself on fear, and from an Adlerian perspective, the anxious person has a fear of not belonging. (The central principle of Adlerian theory, is that we are all seeking to belong in a significant way. Every child is born with the need to belong…to feel worthwhile and significant.)

“Fear is a mistaken thought that you can’t handle a situation” ~ Jim Skinner

“The purpose of life is not perfection, but wholeness” ~ Alfred Adler

“Anxiety is fear about the future” ~ Eric Fromm

What is the Purpose of Anxiety?

In Adlerian theory, all behaviour is viewed as serving a purpose. From an Adlerian perspective, the purpose of anxiety is the fear of defeat, and not being good enough to belong.

The mistaken thought is: “I am never good enough to belong”. A story is then created to fit the mistaken thought, that we believe will help us to belong.

What are the Adlerian Key Principles?

I’ve written previous articles on these key points and have linked to them below.

Mutual Respect: being kind and firm at the same time
Cooperation rather than competition
Social Interest: the capacity to care about the cares of others. Developing a community feeling.
Consequences: Natural and Logical
Encouragement
Contribution
Feeling Capable

How Did Adler View the Path to Transformation?

• Acknowledgement and acceptance of one’s imperfections ~ “The Courage to be Imperfect”
• The language of praise is replaced by the language of encouragement
• The locus of control goes from 
external to internal
• The mind set is the move from 
“me” to “we” (from competition to cooperation)

How to Decrease Anxiety?

In Jim’s presentation, many of his suggestions for decreasing anxiety were in alignment with CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – the most effective, research-based treatment) and Dr. White’s recommendations:

• Relaxation exercises to build self-regulation (Progressive Muscle Relaxation, Butterfly hug, Meditation, Belly breathing, Mindfulness etc.)
• ENCOURAGEMENT “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water” ~ Rudolph Dreikurs Encourage your child that you believe in their capabilities. Accept your children just the way they are.
• Positive Self-Talk – moving from irrational negative self-talk to positive self-talk
• Use evidence to challenge irrational thoughts and replace with reality-based thinking. Use the power of observation for evidence.
• Desensitization – For example, if a child has separation anxiety, have him/her start by being home with both parents, then the parent with whom the attachment is the strongest goes out for a while, then the child is left with a caring relative or close friend and both parents go out. (This would happen in small steps, over a period of time.  It’s important not to go too quickly with desensitization or it will be too much for the child too handle.)

The Importance of Encouragement in Decreasing Anxiety

• Focus on strengths and abilities (without turning to praise)
• Acknowledge effort and improvements (without turning to praise)
• Make every effort to eliminate criticism (criticism makes one feel small, encouragement makes one feel big)
• Accept your child’s feelings. Truly listen to child (Remember my article on the importance of Validation and how to validate authentically?)
• Recognize contributions
• Show faith in your child
• Encourage your child to self-assess
• Instill “the courage to be imperfect” and model it!
• Teach children to ‘care about the cares of others’

What Not To Do!

• Don’t feel sorry for the child
• Don’t praise the child
• Avoid bribery to control
• Don’t be too helpful (over functioning encourages the other person to under function) but do provide scaffolding
• Don’t become impatient with your anxious child
• Don’t provide too much reassurance, yet don’t be too dismissive either
• Don’t be too directive (micro-managing)
• Don’t encourage avoidance

I hope you and your family have a wonderful Spring break contributing, connecting, and building capability,

Warmly,