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If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves. ~ Carl Jung

What Does Your Personality Strive For?

According to Alfred Adler, (one of the founding fathers of psychology).  We all have personality priorities which are the strongest aspect in our universal wish to belong and feel connected.  There are four possible personality priorities, and each has some positive factors and some negative factors.  None are better or worse than the other! Each of them impacts our parenting style.  Let’s dive into each one and see if you can identify which one is mostly you and then you can have fun figuring out each family member’s personality priority too!  (Adapted from the work of Adlerians, Terry Kottman, PhD and Edith Dewey.)

Which Is Your Personality Priority?

1.  Comfort

Goal:  Comfort, pleasure, relax, be taken care of

Strengths:  Easy going, peaceful, understanding, empathetic, easy to get along with, makes minimal demands, doesn’t interfere, predictable

Weaknesses:  Unproductive, impatient, would like the problem to be taken away

Avoids: Work, stress, responsibility, expectations

Costs: Underachievement, undervalued

Others feel: Irritated/bored

2. Pleasing

Goal: To please and meet the needs of others

Strengths: Kind, thoughtful, friendly, reliable, helpful, rule-follower, volunteers, responsible

Weaknesses: No energy left for him/herself, difficult to set rules/boundaries, lack of respect for oneself, lack of respect from others

Avoids: Rejection, confrontation

Costs:  Stress from worrying about what others will think, not meeting one’s own needs, no internal locus of control  (needs a lot of external praise)

Others feel:  Pleased initially but then annoyed by always having to provide approval

3. Control

Goal: Control of self, others and environment

Strengths: Good leader, organized, productive, assertive, reliable, responsible, tenacious

Weaknesses: Less friends, less intimate relationships, feels “stressed out”

Avoids: Humiliation, spontaneity, being “out of control”

Costs: Less spontaneous fun, feeling tense, may have less creativity, fewer close relationships

Others feel: Frustrated, Challenged, Resentful, Revengeful

4. Superiority

Goal: To be more capable, more right, more useful, more smart, better than others

Strengths: High-achiever, competent, high levels of social interest, knowledgeable, idealistic, persistent,

Weaknesses: Overwhelmed, Nothing is ever “good enough”/Perfectionistic, lacks time, overextended,  insecure about relationships with others (is often feeling inferior)

Avoids: Feelings of inferiority, “meaningless” activities, being vulnerable

Costs: Don’t want to admit that there is a problem, feels over-worked, overwhelmed, over-responsible,

Others feel: Inferior, inadequate, competitive

Carl Jung (another founding father of psychology) described how we all have our “shadow” side – the part of our personality that we don’t want to really admit is a part of us.  When we look at these four personality priorities, it’s probably difficult to admit to the shadow-side that comes with each one.  Parenting is the biggest gift for helping us work on our own personal growth.

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. ~ Carl Jung

Shadow work is the path of the heart-warrior ~ Carl Jung

Take-Action Tip

The take-action tip for this week is to identify your shadow side.  Look at these four personality priorities and see which one is most like you.  (If you’re comfortable, share this with your parenting partner and have an open discussion.)  Spend this week observing when this personality priority is strongest and with whom.

Next week, I’ll discuss how our personality priorities affect our parenting style and actionable steps we can take to make improvements which will benefit the whole family.

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Warmly,