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Recently a local dentist, Dr. William Liebenberg, and his six year old daughter, Maddie, tragically died while boating just off our coast.  Some people have asked me for advice on how to explain this tragedy to their children, and since the death of a loved one (including a loved pet) is something we all go through, I wanted to share my thoughts and recommended books.

I remember when I was about 7 years old seeing a caterpillar that had died.  I observed it, left it in its place and came back the next day to see if it had gone to Heaven, as I had been told that when things die they go to Heaven.  When it was still there, I was confused.  It was explained to me that the body remains but that the spirit leaves the body, and I was naturally still confused because death is a very confusing topic, especially for children.  Therefore, it’s very important to be very clear, concrete and factual when explaining a death or a terminal illness to a child.

Tips on Talking About Death

• Find a quiet place for you and your child to talk 1:1 and for your child to hear the news from you first versus through external sources
• Assess how much information a child needs to hear based on their age, maturity, personality and life-experiences
• Be factual and share needed information
• Be honest and encourage questions (lying and half-truths increase anxiety)
• Let your children’s questions guide you – it’s okay to say you don’t know if you’re asked a question that you can’t answer
• Support your child in understanding that there’s no right or wrong way to feel
• It’s okay for your children to see you cry, then they learn that crying is our natural response to sadness, emotional pain and loss, and that it’s okay for them to cry too
• Create a supportive environment where children can talk about death, and then they may talk about something else, and then perhaps return to more questions about death.  It takes time and repetition to process.

Words to Avoid

In our English language we have many expressions related to death that can be very confusing to children.  Therefore, it is best to avoid saying:

– We’ve “lost” Auntie Betty (this implies that she can still be found)

– Auntie Betty has passed away (this still doesn’t convey finality to a young child)

– Auntie Betty has left us or gone away (it sounds as though she could come back)

– Auntie Betty was very sick (if being sick is explained as the cause of death, this can create fears for children of themselves or family members getting sick)

– Our pet was put to sleep (for young children, this can cause fears of going to sleep at night)

What to Say/Do When Someone Dies?

– It’s important to explain that a person or pet has died.  (For young children, the definition of the word dying may involve explaining that this person or pet’s body stopped working.)

– For younger children (sometimes up to age 8yrs.) they engage in magical thinking and believe that their wishes can bring someone back, or this person or pet is still with them and hasn’t really gone forever.

– Offering a chance for a child to draw, write, play music, play with toys etc.  can help them process

– Putting together a scrapbook or decorated shoe box of photos and memories can help family members remember and hold on to the happy memories

– Talking about the person or pet who has died, in conversation, is important so that death is not seen as a taboo subject

– Letting your child know it’s normal to feel many different emotions (you may see them express anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, anxiety) and to act differently (you may see them cry, withdraw, fidget, sleep restlessly, concentrate less, be more hyperactive, have melt-downs)

– If applicable, discuss death from your spiritual, religious and/or cultural perspective

– Focus on gratitude for all the happy times that you did share together

– Plan a “good-bye” event/ritual for a pet or when a person has died, include children in all or parts of the memorial service or celebration of life if that feels comfortable for you.  (These rituals do provide closure and a symbolic way of saying “good-bye” to aid in the grieving process. However, it’s important that a child is briefed on what to expect at the service, including the fact that many people will be crying, and a child should be given a choice, not forced to attend.)

– Have a special dinner with candles and talk about all the happy memories that you want to remember

The Grieving Process

For some children, the death of a pet, may be extremely upsetting.  This could be their first experience of no longer having  a being who they loved and who provided them with daily comfort and companionship.  This could create new awareness around their own mortality or their parents’ mortality.  They may be scared that you are going to die soon.  In answer to that fear, one can respond by saying something such as “I don’t expect to die for a long time”.

It’s important to remember that everyone grieves, and to try to protect our children or distract them from grief, only postpones it.  This is summed up in this quote by Alain Wolfelt, (1991) a well-known child psychologist:

Anyone old enough to love is old enough to grieve

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is well-known for identifying the following five stages of grief: (the stages do not always go in order and sometimes one goes back and forth between the stages)

1) Denial (which may look like changing the subject, isolating, or acting as though nothing has happened)

2) Anger (in some cases, this may be directed towards the medical profession)

3) Bargaining (which may sound like, “If only he/she had just… )

4) Depression/Sadness

5) Acceptance

Recommended Books

The three books (also found on my recommended resources page) I’m recommending are children’s books, yet their messages are valuable for all ages:

The Invisible String (Core message: we are always connected to our loved ones through the invisible string of love)

Lifetimes (Core message: all beings have different life spans from butterflies to plants to humans, and all life begins, has a time in-between and then ends)

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf (Core message:  everything that lives has a natural cycle as explained through Freddie’s progression of the four seasons)

To conclude, I think Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem, In Memoriam: 27 (1850) helps us focus on the gratitude of having had that special someone or special pet in our life:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

‘Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all

My sincere sympathies to all of those who knew Dr. William Liebenberg and Maddie, and to those who are currently grieving,

Warmly,