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Self-esteem, how we feel about ourselves, is a pivotal piece in how we choose our friends, our overall well-being, our ability to cope with adversity, our career path, our educational success and general behaviour.  Parents often wonder, how can I build up my child’s self-esteem?

What Are the Five Elements of Self-Esteem?

As children develop and continue to experience life, their internal view of themselves also grows. They develop beliefs about themselves which creates their self-concept. Dr. Michele Borba outlines the following five elements as the building blocks of self-esteem:

• Security

• Selfhood

• Affiliation

• Mission

• Competence

One can still have a positive self-esteem without possessing all of these five elements, but the more these “building-blocks” are in place and the stronger they are, the higher one’s self-esteem.

Self-esteem can be changed, but it is a slow process and it takes a lot of consistency.

The Key Message:

“If a child lives with approval, he/she learns to live with him/herself.” – Dorothy Nolte

What Do I Need to Provide to Build Up My Child’s Self-Esteem?

• Children with self-esteem come from families where they feel respected, cared for, and accepted
• Children believe that their family’s love is unconditional
• Children feel accepted for their strengths and limitations
• Children feel warmth and closeness
• Children are willing to try new things without being afraid of failure – They have a chance to succeed at their own levels and according to their hopes and dreams vs. their parents’ agenda
• Parents clearly define rules and expectations – limit setting creates an environment of security. The rules need to be fair and consistent and children are aware of the boundaries
• Children are encouraged to have a voice, have a say, and are therefore given opportunities to share their own ideas, opinions and proposals

What Are Some Suggestions for Setting Up Our Home to Build Up My Child’s Self-Esteem?

• Family Rules – just as in schools, homes should also have a set of rules based on family values.  However, be aware that the rules are written in the positive and that there are no more than five rules!

For more “buy-in” create the rules together.  For example,  1)  Be Kind 2) Be Respectful 3) Be Honest 4) Be Responsible  (Depending on the ages of your children you may need to change the wording from “Be Respectful” to “Hands and Feet to Self”.)

  *It’s important for children/teens to realize that the more they follow these rules, the stronger your trust and connection, and the more freedom/independence, you’ll feel comfortable giving them

• Love notes – Depending on your child’s age, leave a note under your children’s pillows or in their school lunch/snack bag. (For non-readers, teach them the “I love you” message in symbols by drawing a picture of an eye, a heart and the letter “U” and then send it in their bag or draw it on their back with your finger at night-time as part of the bed time routine.)  For teens, text them funny messages or funny images expressing your love for them.

• Teach and show your children that you love them for who they are on the inside, not for their performance levels on the outside

• On a daily basis, listen to your child without judging, teaching and giving your input/advice

• Show your love through hugs, cuddles, winks, hair tousles, and smiles. Tell your children how much you love them. Through your verbal messages and non-verbal messages show your children that they are joyful to be around not a burden

When a child feels true unconditional love for who she/he is on the inside, truly listened to without the interference of devices/cell phones or judgment, and truly appreciated as pure joy, then a child will have positive self-esteem.

Take-Action Tip for This Week:  Over the summer holidays, spend 30 minutes each day truly giving your child undivided attention to just be with him/her, listening, and showing that being with your child is a joy 🙂

Warmly,

PS.  Registration for my next round of “Brain Science” groups to teach boys and girls (Ages 7-9 yrs. and 10-12 yrs.) anxiety management skills will be opening soon!  To give you advance notice of the dates, the groups will start on Thursday, September 22nd, 2016 and will run for 7 Thursdays until November 3rd, 2016.  The 7-9 year old group runs from 3:30pm-4:30pm and the 10-12 year old group runs from 4:45pm-5:45pm.

PPS. My lovely colleague, Andrea Sharpe is going to be running a once/month fun support group, starting in September for children, ages 7-12 yrs. who have a sibling with special needs. Registration is now open under “groups” at www.ableclinic.ca For more information, please call the ABLE Clinic at: 604-922-3450