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Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, Self-Confidence, Self-Respect…

We all want our kids and teens to have self-worth, but sometimes it’s a struggle for them to really believe in themselves and their inherent value.

Then there’s the sweet, sensitive ones who may have good self-confidence but they’re so empathetic and sensitive that they don’t want to hurt other’s feelings, so they let others “walk all over” them.

How do we teach our children and teens to value themselves and still be kind?

This is one of the lessons I teach in my Self-Empowerment groups, as I think it’s such an important topic – plus a lot of sweet and sensitive kids attend these groups and many of them have a tendency to put others needs ahead of their own.

I teach them a concept which was taught to me when I was younger, which I call… “Cookies and Crumbs”.

Imagine that you are with a group of friends and some yummy, warm, homemade chocolate chip cookies are put on a plate but there’s not quite enough…

Everyone goes to grab one, but by the time the sweetest and kindest person reaches for one, they’re all gone and that person is left with…crumbs.

This person is too nice to say anything and so nobody thinks it’s a problem.

The rest of the group eats their whole cookie, while this person just has crumbs.

How does it feel to be the one who was left with the crumbs?

How does it feel to watch the others eating a whole cookie?

If we accept the situation and don’t say anything, we’re giving the silent message, that it’s okay.  I only need crumbs.  I don’t deserve a whole cookie.  (My self-worth is less than yours…)

The next week, the same situation happens again and the same person is left with the crumbs.  Now it’s accepted that this is the hierarchy, and that this person will be okay getting the crumbs…

Cookies or Crumbs – A Metaphor for Self-Worth

This is a metaphor for how we live our lives.

When we stay quiet to “keep the peace”, be kind, not “impose” on others nor make things uncomfortable, we are actually not practicing something very important called SELF-INTEGRITY.

Do You Have Self-Integrity?

We may think we are very honest and have a high level of integrity, but do we consistently show that same level of integrity to ourselves? When we continue to accept “crumbs”, what message are we giving to other people in our life?  How are we valuing ourselves?

Children will have a hard time understanding the full concept of integrity and self-integrity but they do “get” this metaphor about being treated “less-than”.  When we role-play this situation in my groups, the kids are usually polite and go along with it at first but then when I repeat the exercise, they start to feel more assertive and express the injustice that is occurring.  This creates a lot of good discussion.

Many years ago, I remember sharing this metaphor, with a teen client, and she immediately connected it to a similar “lesson” she had seen by, a then popular YouTuber amongst teens:  Tyler Oakley.  However, he was talking about Pickle Juice instead of crumbs!  His two minute video, with over one million views, is definitely worth a watch:

What I learned from Pickle Juice by Tyler Oakley

Another article which often connects to today’s concept of self-worth is “Why Over-Apologizing Is Disempowering? (Take the quiz!)”

Next time you bring out cookies, it would be a great opportunity to chat about this important virtue of Self-Worth,

I hope you and your family are making sure everyone gets a full cookie 🙂

Warmly,

PS.  My next round of in-person Self-Empowerment groups for children ages 7-9yrs. and 10-12yrs. start this Tuesday.  (The in-person 7-9 yrs. group is now full but nine year olds can join the 10-12 yr. old in-person group. There is also an online Self-Empowerment group for ages 7-10yrs.)  To find out more, please go to my “Groups” page here.