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Cowardice asks the question: is it safe?

Expediency asks the question: is it politic?

Vanity asks the question: is it popular?

But conscience asks the question: is it right?

And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular –

but one must take it because it is right.

~ Martin Luther King

 

Anti-Bullying Flash Mob for British Columbia’s Annual Pink Shirt Day – (Anti-Bullying Day)  

Photo Credit – http://www.flickr.com/photos/bcgovphotos/6938987595/

The Bully, The Bullied, The Bystander

In my Reflections on Bullying and the Amanda Todd Story, I thought more and more about Amanda Todd’s tragic Youtube video and I kept coming back to the fact that she had lost her voice.  Even when I first watched her Youtube, I instinctively tried to increase the volume on my computer only to discover that there was still silence.  No words, not even music, just chilling silence with flashcards telling her story.

In Adlerian Parenting one of the crucial C’s is feeling that one Counts – that you have a voice.  (Hence, the importance of Family Meetings.) When one loses his/her voice, the bystanders are the only ones who can make a difference.

Therefore, it is up to us, as parents, Aunts, Uncles, mentors, teachers etc. to teach our children the difference between right and wrong and how to take a stand when they observe someone being excluded, taunted, shunned, cyber-bullied, physically hurt etc.

I truly believe that every child has a right to go to school and be happy.  A school is a community and whilst one doesn’t have to be best friends or good friends with everyone, it is important to be friendly.  For Elementary School students, recess is only 15-20 minutes and by the time they get outside that makes for 10-15 minutes of unstructured play time.  Lunch time is often 40 or 45 minutes.  These are times to be friendly and inclusive.  Playdates after school and birthday parties are times where a child may, in my opinion, be more selective.  Having worked for many years as a School Counsellor, I saw many children being excluded, taunted etc. and it was heart-wrenching.  Fortunately, I also saw successful interventions.

I am convinced that if we all sharpened our Active Bystander skills and taught them to our children that we could dramatically decrease the amount of bullying happening from Kindergarten – Adulthood.  

Bullying is a learned behaviour and unfortunately there are too many adults who continue to engage in bullying.

Several years ago I was fortunate to take part in an Anti-Racism Training program, (A.R.T) founded and led by Dr. Ishu Ishiyama from UBC.

The whole day we role played the bullying triangle of The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander and saw how effective one could be as a Bystander.

The strategies we practiced did not all involve speaking up to the Bully, in some cases, the best intervention was to invite the target (the one being bullied) to walk away with you – away from the one bullying.  When we see bullying happening in our work places, community, social circles etc. we have to model being Active Bystanders.

Anti-Bullying Strategies to Teach:

What not to do:

• DON’T be silent, or do nothing.  This conveys acceptance of the situation – I explain to my children that you are still an accomplice to the crime if you are part of the team robbing the bank, but just happen to be the one “on watch” – The myth is that if I don’t say anything, then I’m not joining in and therefore I’m doing the right thing.

• DON’T watch a fight, or a child being bullied. This empowers the one who is doing the bullying

• DON’T follow the leader of a group who is initiating the exclusion of another.  By following you are now partnering with the one bullying and again empowering the bully.

• DON’T join in.  This causes more distress to the targeted child, empowers the bully and most likely results in this participant feeling guilt-ridden.

• DON’T get caught as the messenger in the middle

• DON’T join the rumoUr-ville band-wagon.  Think of how it would be if you were in the targeted person’s shoes – have empathy.

One example that sticks with me from the Anti-Racism Training is a video of a First Nations mother and younger daughter who are being taunted on a bus by a group of Caucasian teenagers. The mother and daughter say nothing and look out the window trying not to hear the harsh words.

What would you do in this situation?  Perhaps, confront the group being verbally abusive?

Invite the mother and daughter to move to another part of the bus or next to you?  Ask the bus driver to stop and intervene?

or Do nothing…?

Our children learn through our modelling. It takes courage to take a stand but courage comes from the heart :  Le Coeur (the French word for the heart)

In my Self-Empowerment groups for 7-9 yr. olds  and 10-12yr. olds, I teach them to be ACTIVE bystanders, and how to handle bullying, teasing and taunting.  I teach them about boundaries and assertive communication.  I teach them about perspective-taking and self-regulation.  We need to explicitly teach these skills.

Warmly,

Free Video On Developing Emotional Resilience

PS.  Registration is currently open for my next round of Self-Empowerment groups, starting Thursday November 7th.  For more information and to register, please call Hailey at the ABLE Clinic at 604-922-3450.  You can also view the flyer here for more information.